A diary entry from very early in Jaxon’s life…

All I ever wanted was to be a Mum. And I thought I would be a natural at it. But the truth is, it doesn’t all come naturally. Most of it, if not all of it..is a learning experience. And that’s what made becoming a Mum so hard. I had expectations about EVERYTHING, and when it all turned out differently…I got upset with myself. I got angry at myself and I got upset about it all.

I always imagined how wonderful it would be to have this little human being that looks up to and adores it’s mother. Reality hits when I gaze romantically into my babies eyes and he stares BLANKLY back at me, or past me…or through me. It’s like I am not there, and it’s not what I expected. It was a real downer for a while.

I expected that when my baby cried I would pick him up and THAT would be enough to make it all better. Nothing like a mother’s touch right? Wrong. Sometimes I can’t help him. I don’t know why he’s crying and I don’t know what else to try. And that is frustrating. It’s upsetting to know something is wrong, they need something…and because you’re so inexperienced at the mother thing…you haven’t figured out what it is yet!

And if you think the sleep deprivation of getting up to pee every half hour is bad, think again. You get to a point where you’re dizzy you’re SO tired. All you want to do is close your eyes and go to sleep. But this thing, wont stop making noise…noises which YOU have to stop. And at times you will resent them for making you stay awake for so long. Or waking you when you JUST got to sleep. But that too, get’s easier…I think I am getting used to the long strecthes, and taking advantage of the sleep I do get!

Being a new Mum is really hard. I can’t even begin to tell you how hard it is. I put a lot of pressure on myself to do it all perfectly, to get it all right the first time, and to know what to do in any given situation.

Before I had Jaxon I was confident I would be a natural. I was a confident person full stop. And then JJ comes along and he rips it all out of me. I felt like I lost my spirit, and it felt like I was on the verge of giving up on life all together. Instead of feeling like I could face anything he threw at me head on, I felt scared and angry that I was doing it wrong and being a bad mother. I never expected this little baby to make me feel so incompetent and inadequate. But it did and I hated that feeling.

I was being unfair on myself, and didn’t even know it. And that made things harder. So I ask you, to lower your expectations of yourself, give yourself a break and go with the flow.

Three weeks later I feel much more confident and I can say it does get better. Slowly you learn what to try, what to expect, and it get’s easier.