I’m a strong believer in the everything happens for a reason theory. I think everyone who knows me knows that.

In the last few months I think I’ve lost myself. I don’t know who I am. I know I am Jaxon’s mother, Tim’s wife, Mum and Dad’s daughter. Terry’s sister. But I don’t know what I want from my life any more. I don’t have direction.

I feel like I am just plodding along. I get up each day, do what I have to do before I get to go to sleep again. When I was in high school, I got up each morning KNOWING that I wanted to do well in school because I wanted to work with animals. I knew I wanted to one day get married and have a happy and well connected family.

Now I get up and I am married and I do have a family, but I don’t know what I want to do when this part of my life moves on, or Jaxon goes to school. I can’t stand in front of the mirror and say “this is who I am” because I don’t know who I am any more. I feel like I’ve lost who I am in the mother/housewife role. I feel like those two things are all that makes me ME. Like outside of those two things, I feel like I have nothing to bring to the table.

I’ve been up and down and moody for weeks now, trying to change certain things that I thought might be the issue. But now I know that the issue was less to do with the house I live in and the relationships I have with my family, and more to do with how I am feeling about myself on the inside.

I think I need help to find what it is I am looking for. Maybe a life coach.

Don’t laugh.

Step one for me has been stepping up and saying that I am depressed about something. Eight years ago I would have let it get to a point where I was ready to kill myself (in a literal kind of way) before admitting that I was not in control and needed help and direction. Thats what landed me in hospital last year, pretending that I was ok.

Step two will be finding exactly what it is that I need to get me on my way. Normally, when we put Jaxon down for a nap, we go for a nap too. Tim asked me half an hour ago if I would be joining him. I said “I want to grab something to eat first”

It’s that that happened for a reason. Stupid as it may sound.

If I had just said yes, and gone and laid down then I wouldn’t have turned on the TV while I had my lunch. I wouldn’t have sat down at the very start of a show called “You can Change Your Life”

See. Just the title, for the frame of mind that I am in right now, is perfect.

The first thing it said was that people get stuck in the “I can’t” frame of mind. And how true is that for me? How I think I know what I want to do with my career but keep telling myself I can’t instead of I can. How I keep saying it’s too hard to get there because right now we can’t afford it. How I never try because I might fail. Maybe it’s not going to be that hard if I’d just suck up my courage and take that first step.

Maybe I am in my own way. Maybe I am stopping myself from taking that first step in to the unknown. And if I hadn’t stopped to have lunch and broken the routine, I might have been waking up tomorrow still wondering what exactly is going on in my life that makes me feel so lost and worthless.