About four months ago, something happened in this house hold that has never happened before.

I turned in to a mega bitch.

It was truly awful.

Tim and I have been together coming on seven years now and we’ve had two fights. And I kid you not, Tim was asleep for one of them. I can tell that story another time if you like but for now I’d like to talk about me. And Tim.

The problem was my contraceptive pill. It was messing with my hormones and I was PMS’ing off my head for months. It didn’t take much for me to turn and snap. And I’ll be honest, I don’t normally snap.

One day, after months of Tim ducking, dropping his eyes and slowly backing out of the room before I killed him (for no real reason might I add) we figured out that it was probably the pill.

On the 25th of November, the same day Jaxon had his MRI, Tim came home, retrieved my packet of pill’s and burnt them.

So it happened. That was the day that we decided that we would just throw caution to the wind and start trying for another baby.

I say caution to the wind because let’s face it, my pregnancy with Jaxon was not easy. Nor was his birth and his first 18 months of life were hell for me. Jaxon, if you ever read this, I love you. But it was hard. And one day you will understand.

It was hard for us to decide that we were going to take that chance again.

This is my third cycle. And my third negative result.

That’s no big deal. Three cycle’s is below average for the time it takes a “normal” couple to conceive. In fact, did you know that until you’ve been trying for more than a year doctors wont even consider any infertility options for you?

But we’re not normal. Any of our family and friends will attest to that fact.

I am trying very hard to stay level headed about this and for the most part I am doing a really good job. But it’s really hard for me. Because it took three years to get pregnant with Jaxon.

For three years I got negative results. For three years I feared I would never have children.

For three years we had to answer that question from every person we knew…are you pregnant yet?

For three years, we had to answer it the same way.

No. We are not. I am not pregnant.

Each and every day we would get reminded that despite our doing everything by the book (but mostly not by the book, wink wink) we weren’t getting the results that people all around us were getting without even trying.

After two years, each negative pregnancy test brought tears. It hurts. Because you know in your heart that you need something in your life and it’s one of the hardest things to get when you have fertility problems like me.

So even though this is a new trying to conceive journey, all of those negative tests and feelings and fears are still very fresh in my mind. It’s almost as if I have just picked up from where we left off back in 2006 just before we did get pregnant.

Which makes it even harder to stay level headed. But I am trying. And we will try once again next month. And I know in my heart, that one day it will all just fall in to place like everything else in my life has managed to do. Even though it’s still scary.

I wasn’t going to blog this experience. And I don’t know how much I will have to say about it anyway. But leaving it off here and out of these pages feels wrong to me because I do this blog not just for me, and not just for my reader’s (all three of them) and not just for family. I do this for my children. So they can one day read it and learn about life through my eyes.