Where to start?

There.

I’ve started.

As a little girl I wanted one thing from my life. I wanted to work with animals. To be specific, I wanted to be a vet. As a little girl I could imagine what that would be like. I had long blonde hair, and of course I was skinny…and I wore a white coat.

As a teenager, I kept thinking that I could do it. If I hadn’t spent so many years putting up wall’s with learning I may just have been able to do it. But when push came to shove I made things so difficult for myself that I just couldn’t see it happening.

I continued on with my dream, though it changed a little. Less specific. I want to work with animals. I can do that and there are many ways I can do that.

So when I finished high school, got in to my Animal Technology course and then got a job “working with animals” I thought I was set for life. I loved my job, I was working with animals.

But then my brother died and over the next year my immune system shut down and I became allergic to the rats I was working with. I tried for another year to find a way that I could just continue on doing what I loved doing. I wore masks, I took drugs, I saw countless doctors and had countless tests. But in the end nothing worked.

When I arrived at work at 8am in the morning I started sneezing. And didn’t stop. I developed asthma, which I’d never once had before in my life. I went home, unable to see through my swollen eyes and I coughed all night until I went to sleep and my body got to recover, only to do it again the next day.

I fought so hard for that dream. I tried everything and I so desperately wanted it to work. It was a hard decision to make, but it had to be made. I could no longer follow that dream and work with the animals.

For almost 7 years I wondered what I would do next. What I would LIKE to do next. All of my life the only thing I wanted to do was now the only thing I couldn’t do. I tried various jobs, and hated them.

I know that not everyone loves their jobs. In fact I know that a large percentage of people in this world get up and go to work for one reason only. Because it pays the bill’s. But I can’t be that person. I don’t have it in me to drag my sorry ass out of bed each day to do something that I don’t enjoy.

So I decided while I was pregnant with Jaxon that while I was home with him I would look for something I was good at, and create a new dream. It took nearly two years but finally, I thought, I had found it. I want to be a photographer. Not just someone who takes photo’s, great photo’s, but someone who is PAID to do something they LOVE.

I know I’m on my way, and I know that given time I will get there. But being self taught is hard and certainly makes the road a little longer. But one day, I dream, I will get there. It’s just going to take time.

I just watched a video made by a photographer that I look up to. I didn’t expect to see this kind of thing from him. He’s well off, he’s professional. He’s great. He gets paid to do the thing he loves and is good at.

While I watched it I started thinking…this is me right now. I’ve gone from taking hundreds of photo’s each week to taking just a few. I’ve gone from looking for a challenge to, well…waiting for one. I was getting a bit worried, feeling a little lost without a direction. But having seen this video I know that everyone must go through this. Everyone must struggle to see their way through.

I’m struggling to find my way through right now. But now I know I’m not alone, and I will find the inspiration I need to keep going. To fight to make my dream come true, just as I did years ago.

I will get there. It’s just going to take time.