So I’ve nearly been a blogger now for a full year. When I first started I was blogging about Jaxon’s first birthday cake and the trouble it caused me. Now, not too long from now, I’ll be talking about his second birthday…and where I’ll buy his birthday cake from.

While some years in my life have flown by and I sit and wonder where the time went, this year has been different. This year has taken so long to get through. But now that it’s over, we look forward to next year. Which I am sure will fly by now that we have that enormous weight of not knowing what was going to happen in terms of Jaxon’s neck and arm off our shoulder’s.

This time next year Jaxon will be talking more. I can’t even imagine what that will be like. Just the other day he and I were driving in the car and all he said was “uuuum” and I looked back because he sounded like a competely different child. He sounded all grown up. Next year, it will all have happened for him. Not only will he sound grown up, but he’ll be grown up. I’m not even sure that I am ready for that to happen yet.

Tonight Tim, Jaxon and I are going to see the New Years Eve fire works down by the river. We’re not sure Jaxon is ready but we’ll try. The last time Tim and I went we were just 24 days away from having Jaxon. As we sat there alone watching the display, just Tim and I, I cried. I cried because I was scared. I cried because I knew that this was it. Two thousand and Six would be the last year that Tim and I would be just that. Tim and I. I couldn’t imagine what life was going to be as a “Tim, Jaxon and I” and it scared the hell out of me. I didn’t know if I was ready to be a mother and it was too late. I couldn’t change it.

I wont lie. Being a mother has been hard. I know that some woman adjust to being a mother in the first few weeks of their child’s life but things weren’t like that for a long time with me. I feel guilty about it, but I didn’t love Jaxon for a very long time. I would have done anything to protect him and keep him safe and provide for him, and he still made me smile. But those things do not equal love.

So I am proud to say that the year of 2008 has brought something very special to my life. I finally, and without a single doubt in my mind, love my son. With all of my heart. Not only would I do anything to keep him safe from harm and not only do I want to provide for him the best life possible, but I love him. So much that it hurts to think about him not being around. And I wouldn’t change the “Tim, Jaxon and I” bit for the world.

Perhaps this next year, 2009, will be the year that Tim and I begin to think about adding another Jaxon like creature to our family. Perhaps.

So from my family to yours, I wish you all the best for the year 2009.