Today, the 7th of August 2009, Tim and I celebrate our 6th year of marriage.

And tomorrow, the 8th of August 2009, we celebrate our seven years of being together. At least, we think we do. We’ve done some maths and some of our time’s don’t really match up or make sense so it’s totally possible that he and I, in our dazed and confused love blind state, got married LONG before we’d been together for a year.

At any rate, we’re celebrating this year with a BBQ and some friends over. We don’t normally do that. We normally do nothing, or go out for dinner. Not to mention, that this time last year I was the size of a gigantic blue whale and this year, I’m slimmer, more like a slightly chubby dolphin.

I want tomorrow night to be special. For all of the reasons above and more. I look great, I feel great and I’m celebrating seven years of my life with the most wonderful man in the world.

So today I went out…and (gasp) bought a DRESS! Yes, you heard me. A DRESS! Seriously people, I haven’t worn a dress since the day I got married. And then before that, since I was 15 years old!

So I just thought I’d let you in on that little bit of excitement in my life. I’m pumped. The dress I bought is exactly what I wanted AND it’s a SIZE TWELEVE! You heard that right too. I’ve gone from a very loose size 24 (again, calling it a 26) to a size 12 in 20 weeks. I wasn’t even upset when I went shopping. And that my dear friends, is a miracle!

For once, I am really looking forward to sharing these photo’s with you. Stay tuned

Here’s another before photo to remind you just how big I got. I don’t even think this was my lowest (or highest) I think I stacked on a few kilo’s after this as well. Those jeans don’t fit me anymore, and the top looks stupid on me!

So I am feeling fantastic.

Yesterday I tried on a shirt that my in laws bought me to stop getting burnt back in January. It was a size too small, a tight fit. I didn’t wear it again once they left but finally, the other day thought I’d bite the bullet.

It looks great, and makes me feel great. And it fit’s perfectly!

So once I got that “Wow” feeling I decided that it might be time for a before and after photo. My father in law was most gracious in sending me some terrible terrible before photo’s for me. And Tim was more than willing to take my after shot for me.

I don’t know if it’s the camera adding ten pounds and blah blah blah. But despite the fact that I feel great and FEEL like I look slightly slimmer…those “after photo’s” look terrible. Just as bad, or not much different to the before photo’s.

I’ve come to realise that I wont feel comfortable in my own skin until I am 100% happy being photographed. This was of course one of my main reason’s for wanting to slim down. If you’re working towards being a photographer, and your husband is doing the same then chances are you’re eventually gonna have to suck it up and model yourself for the greater good.

So no photo’s. yet. And eventually you’ll get to see the photo’s that Tim took today. When, I am a LOT slimmer than I am now!

It’s not that I’ve lost count. I am in week seven now. I just don’t know if I count from the first weigh in of 100.6kg’s of if I count from the second weigh in, or the first weigh in where actual weight was lost. At any rate. I got something to say!

It’s no secret at all that Tim and I are trying for another baby. It took a long time to get pregnant with Jaxon and no doubt (certainly feels like it) it’s going to take a while with this one too. Though I am not so stressed about it right now. Each month I am not pregnant (and I should say cycle, meaning 6-7 weeks) is another 6-7 weeks where I can lose more weight. And therefore, making it easier to GET pregnant.

So I asked my team leader last night what happens when I do finally get pregnant. I was some what surprised to hear that Weight Watcher’s does not support pregnant woman and I would have to stop.There is NO way what so ever, that I could continue. Even under a doctors certificate.

Now I understand that woman shouldn’t be trying to lose weight while they’re pregnant and that’s fair enough. But if there was any time when I needed to not blow my weight out, it would be exactly that time.

I’ve lost 7.4 kilo’s. (100.6/98.9/97.7/96.3/95.5/94.4/93.2) in seven weeks. It’s not been hard as I had expected it to be but it is a long road. A road which despite my hard effort and fantastic results, I am still at the very beginning of. I am 93.2 kilo’s and my healthy weight range is between 60 and 65 kilo’s. As I say, a long road.

I’ve known woman who have put on 30 kilo’s during pregnancy. I’ve known woman who have put on 20 kilo’s while pregnant. It just doesn’t make sense to me NOT to have woman monitored week by week to make sure that they don’t over do the “eating for two” philosophy.

I suffered from Gestational Diabetes when I was pregnant with Jaxon. I know now, that if I get pregnant eating the way I am eating now, I might be lucky enough not to get it again. But I don’t know how I will do that when my on line tools for great recipes and healthy eating tips are gone. When I don’t have a weekly weigh in to let me know where I am at.

I’m not saying I don’t want to put on weight. But I am thinking, that I don’t want to lose 20 kilo’s in order to GET pregnant only to have them turn their back on me and then put on that 20 kilo’s again. Only to have to start the long road ahead of me AGAIN when I have had my baby.

It might just be me. But that doesn’t make sense to me. What would be so wrong with giving a pregnant woman 35 points for healthy “eating for two”, rather than the 18 to 22 I am having daily for weight loss??

I thought I’d be able to keep writing stuff here about my weight loss. I thought that somehow if some unsuspecting person who might be a little unhappy with their weight and had never thought they COULD change it for themselves might somehow get some hope and motivation from me.

Because I was that person.

But it’s getting hard to come up with something to say. I am of course still very happy about the effort I have made. And even happier that I actually feel like I am getting somewhere and nothing is going to stop me.

I’ve even slowed down, or almost stopped, trying to get pregnant. Because I wonder what it would be like to have a BABY BELLY rather than just have my fat change it’s shape. It’s really not that I’ve stopped. Or that I don’t want to be pregnant (and let’s face it. I don’t WANT to be pregnant, I want a baby…and those are two very different things!) But right now I feel like if it takes a little bit longer to GET pregnant then that’s more time for me to lose more weight before I have to stop counting points.

The food is just mind blowing. I’m a fussy fussy eater. I flat out don’t like veggies. I don’t like different. I have trouble with textures and smell’s and if either of those is just a little bit strange in my mouth or nose, I will not even try the tiniest little bit of that food.

But I’ve found plenty of recipes that suit my needs and still stay low in points. Stuff that is yummier than anything we ever really had before. Even just variations on the meals that we used to eat regularly. Like Shepherds Pie, lower in points but just as nice.

Tonight I had a chicken and potato casserole served with green beans and pea’s. And oh. My. God. It melted in my mouth! It was so good!

The other night I made a Mediterranean Beef and Vegetable Bake. It had three things in it that 5 weeks ago I would never have tried or had. It had a layer of sliced tomato’s followed by a layer of zucchini covered in a ricotta cheese sauce. The flavours were like nothing I have ever had. And I ate it all up!!

So this week I lost 800 grams. A lot less than I have in previous weeks. But I got warned that this would happen. That I would have some really good weeks and some really bad or not so good weeks. So it’s ok. And I think I can attribute this all to two extra FULL can’s of coke and a home made pizza on Saturday night with one of Tim’s oldest friends visiting. Even remaining within my limit of points, I still think that the change made the difference.

So all up I have lost 5.1 kilo’s. That’s 11 pound something. I don’t know the conversions. That’s also 5% of my body weight and I am THRILLED to have got just this far! My next goal is 90 kilo’s. Or 10%. I hope to get there in a month. Five more kilo’s.

I’m running out of things to call these weight loss journey posts. So I’ll just have to settle for week by week.

I was thinking today about the way I used to eat. Right now I am living on a 18-22 point plan on Weight Watchers.

Of course it varied, but over the weeks it was all pretty much the same. An average week would have at least two of these kind of days in it.

For breakfast four weeks ago I would have had rice bubbles with Jaxon. Maybe two bowls while he munched away at his. That there was 7 points. Not including the heaped sugar I would put on it. Let’s just say ten points even.

For lunch I would eat Macaroni and cheese, again…with Jaxon. He would eat one pack and I would eat two. That’s TWELVE points.

And then for dinner I would have two meat pies. With tomato sauce. Each pie is 8 points.

And then let’s talk about the coke! A can of coke is 2.5 points. And I was drinking four or five cans a DAY! Ten points in coke.

That’s forty-eight points!!! I always thought that I ate reasonably well but my portion size was way off. But now I know, I’ve been wrong all along. I was eating like a teenager!

Now I feel different. Already my bra doesn’t fit me and I’m down to one top that looks reasonably good on me. For the first time in a very long time (though my Mum will dispute that I never liked shopping even as a little girl) I am actually looking forward to the next clothes I buy for myself.

This week I’ve lost 1.4 kilo’s. That’s a total of 4.3 kilo’s in four weeks. I’ve lost 5% body weight. I am so incredibly proud of myself. I find myself looking forward to the future now. Looking forward to what I am becoming. Looking forward to looking my best AND feeling my best.

So today marks my two week mark with weight watchers.

I have never tried to lose weight. I never even dreamed that I COULD lose weight. I don’t know if I had an attitude about Weight Watcher’s but I always thought it just wasn’t for me. Before the very day that I decided to join, I had never once considered any kind of weight loss program.

I had a few friends who were doing it. I would hear their stories and hear them talking about points and would just think to myself…why bother? It’s too much hard work and I’m such a fussy eater. It would never work for me.

Now, two weeks in? It’s totally for me. I’m doing really well. I’ve not gone over my points allowance once since I started. What’s more is, I have points left over on most days. But I am totally satisfied with the better choices I have been making.

We haven’t bought coke in two weeks. Everyone who knows me will know what a MASSIVE thing this is. We would normally buy one, some times two slabs of coke per week. And though Tim tried his hardest to keep up with me, it was me drinking the majority. I would sometimes have 4 or 5 cans a DAY!! Now?? I barely have three mouthful’s. I haven’t given it up. But I have certainly cut down. I have see the light, and now make my choice each day if I am going to have any.

I’m totally surprised with it all. At my meeting last week some of the woman and men discussed how hard they found it to stay away from the things that they enjoy. I really don’t know why but for me it hasn’t been a problem at all. Perhaps because I’ve been this way for so long and finally reached that point where I can’t just do nothing. Perhaps it is easier when you’re desperate for that change??

At any rate, I am so proud of myself. Each day I feel better and better about the effort I make. Today, the day I had been waiting for. Waiting for someone I know to say “Wow, have you lost weight?” Why yes! I have! Not just one friend but TWO friends noticed.

Such a change to the “Are you pregnant?” questions.

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I was going to start a new blog. Just for this. But then I figured…hey, why not put it here.

I’ve come to a point in my life where I NEED change. And to get that change I am doing something I have never once done in my life.

I have joined Weight Watchers. Specifically, you may have guessed…to lose weight.

I don’t know exactly what made this moment THE moment. I don’t know where that switch is. The one that finally made me go “yup, I’m doing it”

Up until this week it had never ever occurred to me that I could lose weight. I would complain and complain about it but I never stood up and did anything about it.

I think I was scared. It’s far easier to not try and not get anywhere, than it is to try and be seen trying…and gulp, fail.

For a very very long time I pretended to myself that if people didn’t like me for who I was then more fool them. I’m happy, why should I care what they think of me? But then one day, too long ago to remember exactly when that was, I woke up and I wasn’t happy with who I was. And yet I still did nothing.

I think my eye opening moment came when I realized that I was wearing the same clothes I had been wearing while I was pregnant. That was THREE years ago. But that wasn’t even it. The thought of actually going shopping to get new clothes, made me incredibly unhappy and unstable. It was not uncommon for me to come undone while looking through the clothes racks. I would literally cry.

I didn’t want to shop for clothes because I didn’t want to think of myself as a fat chick. I didn’t want to walk in to the store and find the clothes I liked to image myself in were 10 sizes too small and that my clothes, over in that out of the way corner of the store…were the big girl clothes.

So I didn’t shop. I haven’t bought new clothes, or worn new clothes…for a very long time. I include bra’s, undies, socks in that too. Because shopping made me miserable. It made me look at myself and see exactly what I was. I didn’t like it. So I didn’t go shopping.

So you know you’re in trouble when you wake up one day and you disgust yourself. Just the thought of leaving the house and being seen in public wearing the same ratty looking clothes you were wearing when you met everyone you know, is hard. Embarrassing.

You know you’re in trouble when you wouldn’t even go clothes shopping if someone offered to spend thousands of dollars just on you.

You know you’re in trouble when you can’t even lie to yourself anymore. When the words “I am happy with who I am” wont roll past your lips without causing you to feel nauseous.

I guess thats the moment. The moment when I thought I have two choices. I can either continue on the way I have been living and eating and watch my weight slowly but surely rise. Or I can physically force myself to make the change. And go the other way.

I’ve chosen to change. Because I am not happy and I just know there is more out there than the way I am living.  I want to do this for me. And I want to do this for Tim. I want to do this for everyone that cares for me. But most importantly and above all other things in this life that matter to me, I want to do this for Jaxon.

I want to run with him and jump with him. I want to roll down hill’s with him, climb tree’s with him and I want to enjoy his childhood with him. I want him to see me enjoying life. I want to be in photo’s with him. Photo’s that I am not ashamed to put here or in the family album.

So this is my first week. And I feel good about the change. But I will say there will be no progress photo’s. Of course, at the very end when I can tell myself I am happy and know that I am no longer lying to myself…I will have a before and after shot for you to see.

I’m going to share this journey with you.

Because a week ago I didn’t think I could do it.

A week ago I didn’t think I was worth it.

Today, and every day after this…is a new day. And I will at least try. I owe myself that.

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