On the 23rd of January I was really uncomfortable. We went shopping and did some things down town, and I was always feeling crampy. It was bearable at that stage but not nice. My need to pee also increased as the day went on. I went from half hour pee stops, to about every 3-10 minutes!! THAT was annoying. Tim shaved my pubes off and I knew I was going in the next day and wanted to look somewhat nice for my photo’s so I asked Nicole to blow dry my hair straight for me. That was at about 10pm that night (I should have been sleeping!) So I was sitting there and the pain’s kept coming on stronger and stronger, to the point where I couldn’t sit for more than 2 or 3 minutes. It was just period like cramping but it was really intense. So after about 15 toilet breaks and lots of wriggling on the seat Nic finally finished my hair.

At that point I decided I HAD to go to bed, but the pain was so bad I thought I wouldn’t be able to sleep through it. I was beginning to wonder if this was not labor itself just 7 hours before my scheduled C-section. So I called the midwife at 11pm and asked if I could take pain killer’s to get to sleep, OR if I should just go in. She made me go in, and that certainly took our minds OFF the c-section for a while!

They hooked me up to the monitor and sure enough I was having contractions! OMG did that freak me out! I went from sitting on the bed to the toilet every couple of minutes. All I wanted to do was push but no poo was coming out…AND I gave myself a hemorrhoid! She left me there in pain for some time but then came back with some tablets to take, one of them being a temazepam (sleeping pill) and the other’s I don’t know. I stood up just after taking them; they were taking me to my room. I felt FINE for about two steps then said “I’m gonna chuck” AND DID! All over the floor. She said “I wonder if the tablet’s stayed down??” and I heaved even bigger the next time…NO they did not stay down! So I had to get taken to the room in a bloody wheel chair like a cripple and given the tablets again!

Whatever she gave me stopped the pain, and I had a nice hot shower. Tim had to leave at 2am. My first night EVER sleeping in a hospital, sleeping away from the love of my life. I was so worried he would sleep in and miss being back at the hospital by 6 am for the pre op stuff (since I am his alarm clock!) Or worse, sleep in for the actual op! At 5.50am I was down with the nurses asking if they would call him for me…but sure enough he walked out of the elevator cleanly shaven and smelling pretty for me!! YAY!

The BIG Event

So pre op started, they put the stockings on me, paper underwear and a surgical gown and cap. SEXY!! Tim asked the mid wife if she could leave us alone for ten minutes I looked so damned hot.

They wheeled me into pre theater at 6.30, and I had the IV put in. Not too bad, it just stung a bit. THEN I had to wait an hour for the doctor’s to show up!! That was the longest hour of our lives!!!

The doctor that did the IV also did the EPI, and might I say…if you’re having a c-section, or even just know you’ll have the epi and it’s scaring you…look away now, this isn’t pretty!! They had me sitting on the edge of the bed leaning over a pillow, and gave me the local anesthetic. Tim stood in front of me holding my hand. That didn’t hurt so much but when they started the epi, MAN did that hurt. It took a good 15-20 minutes and he had to try 4 different spots in my back before he finally got it to work. I was crying after the first attempt.

Tim was fantastic!!!! He held me close, and put his clean shaven soft cheek up to my cheek and whispered sweet nothings in my ear. Of course that didn’t help much, it still hurt like a b@stard and the tears kept coming. But I felt so close and loved by Tim. He told me that that was the hardest part for him too, knowing it HAD to be done and that he couldn’t just yell at the doctor to stop whatever he was doing and take me home. But he was so good, coz I didn’t know he was feeling that way. I can’t express enough how in love with Tim I felt through that experience. All I could think about was how soft his face was, and how nice he smelt and how wonderful it was to be loved by him. Through the pain, I still felt love, lots of it!

At one point the needle must have hit a nerve and my leg moved involuntarily and I screamed, I was in SO much pain it was awful. But soon after that happened it was all over and they asked Tim to help me lay down and get my legs up with the rest of the nursing staff. That’s where I started giggling. I couldn’t help them one little bit. My legs where dead but I could still feel them. It was like having pins and needles, or when your foot goes to sleep and all you can feel is the sensation of it being touched. I couldn’t stop laughing!!! Right up until I got the shiver’s!! Like when you’re really cold, my teeth were chattering and I couldn’t stop it and didn’t feel cold at all!

So they started. Tim sat by my head and held my free hand, making fun of me to take my mind off what was happening. Again, I couldn’t have gone through this without him by my side. I didn’t feel a single ounce of pain, but I could still feel that they were doing something. I don’t know any times of how long it took, but finally I heard a little cry (8.27am) and even though we knew we were having a boy, they said the words “congratulations, you have a baby boy” and very very quickly held him up high enough for me to see him over the curtain. All I saw was his big ball’s though! They were HUGE!!!!!

They did his obs on a table I could see, and I cried as they did it. I wanted him with me so bad but knew I had to wait. Tim and I sat there watching and I totally forgot that they now had to work on sewing me up. Tim kept whispering “Look what we made Mummy” and kissing my forehead. Again, another moment of pure love that made me cry even more! They put Jaxon on my chest for a couple minutes but he needed to be kept warm so they had to take him away. Tim went with them, I wanted him to.

Getting sewn up was the weirdest thing I will ever have to explain. I could feel them moving my skin, but it felt like it was up in the middle of my belly button. And as they were pulling the thread through I could feel the pulling on the skin, but it wasn’t painful. It was SO funny. I wasn’t laughing of course, but it was funny.

Tim came back in and sat with me for the last 10 or so minutes. At one point the doctor mumbled something and I didn’t hear it. Perhaps that’s what was meant to happen because I made the mistake of saying “I didn’t hear that” and so he stuck his head over the curtain and said “I’m just sticking some pain killer’s up your BUM” Gee thanks MISTER!! If ever there was a TMI that I really didn’t need to know, this was it!!!!

Once I was out in recovery they gave me my little boy. He is so precious. I was really not ready to be a Mum and wish I had some sort of time machine to bring back the pregnancy. Here is this little squirming thing that needs ME, that depends on ME…and I feel helpless!! The midwife put him on my boob for a drink and taught Tim the words “OoooM” and “Num Num” which he says now every time it’s time to go on the boob!! I swear we’ll be having sex for the first time and he’ll be saying them then too!

I kept saying to the midwife that JJ’s little feet were going blue, and they were. By the time she came to look he was going purple. He couldn’t keep himself warm which is when they put him under the heat (my profile pic was taken then, that’s obviously Tim’s hand!) They took him away for a bath, and 20 or so minutes later put me back in my room where Mum patiently waited for me.

The Stay

Because of the Gestational Diabetes’ and the fact that they said he was no further than 36 weeks when he was born, JJ couldn’t maintain his body heat and had to stay under the heat on my chest for a full day. I was boiling, but had to do it for him. The first midwife to give me a sponge bath was a MAN! He also happened to be the first one to help me with breast feeding. We didn’t think he was getting any milk so THE MAN midwife…HE milked my boobs! OUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCHHHHH!!!!! OMG I’d rather have my bum fu%ked by a horse!! Again, it needed to be done so JJ could eat. On the next shift JJ was in the nursery and the midwife came in and did the same thing because his blood sugar levels were crashing. At this point I gave permission to give him formula if that’s what they needed to do. They were not getting a lot out of my boobs to help in that department. By the way, it is TWO WEEKS past op and as far as I know, my milk still has not come in. I am never firm and never engorged like everyone says I should be!

From this point on his blood sugar levels were checked every 3 hours. Seven days of heal pricks…his little feet were black and blue. I can’t stress enough how critical it all felt from here on in. His blood sugar should have been above 2.6 but at times it was down to 1.4 and he was really crashing. These were very scary moments, and I was almost glad they had him in the nursery so I didn’t see their frantic moves to get him back to normal.

I hadn’t had morphine during the op so I got to have it for my first night in bed. It didn’t take away the pain but BOY, did it make me feel good! That first night trying to sleep was absolute hell. I couldn’t roll on to my sides; I never sleep flat on my back. I had the IV in AND the catheter in as well!! I kept telling everyone I should have had the catheter inserted at the beginning of the pregnancy! Twenty Four hours without a pee…absolute BLISS!!

The second day very early in the morning they took the IV and catheter out and forced me to get out of bed. OMG!!!! The horse WAS f^%king me six ways left of Sunday!!!!! I have never felt such intense pain as the pain of taking those steps towards the bathroom. The nurse helped me get undressed and popped me in the shower. Through the pain I was still p!ssed at her for having the shower on before I got out of bed…come on lady, water restrictions…global warming!

I got to have a 2 minute shower before I fainted, out like a light. And if there was any dignity left in my poor ol’ body it left the building when she said “Are you dry everywhere?” and I had to ask her to dry my a$$ crack AGAIN! So she dressed me and walked me out, Tim was waiting. I got to him and fainted again. I don’t remember much at all…the pain went away!

But once I was out of bed the pain slowly eased up. I sat in a chair instead of in bed, and I walked all the way to the nursery to see JJ…very VERY slowly! Now it only hurt to get in and out of bed, or to roll over. I still couldn’t lay on my sides in bed either.

They decided that they would try to bottle feed him formula. But one of the midwives said “Nipple Confusion! Nipple Confusion! (think “The sky is falling the sky is falling!), don’t do that…I KNOW, we’ll tube feed him” So they put a tube down his little nose right into his stomach. Then they decided that I would breast feed once (15 minutes each side), and tube feed him the next feed…yay holding a syringe above his little head as the formula went in…what fun bonding we had!

Breast feeding didn’t hurt me one little bit. It was totally frustrating though because he kept falling asleep on the boob. His blood sugar was so low he couldn’t stay awake and he NEVER ever woke up crying to say he was hungry. He just kept sleeping right on through the feeds. While we were there for 9 days, we heard him cry 3 times.

Towards the end of day two in hospital, baby blues kicked in. It was very frustrating to have a crying baby by the bed and not be able to get out and help him. This one time, I was really feeling inadequate because of this. I had to buzz the nurses who took their sweet time to get to me and JJ…to help me sort him out. At this point one of the nurses came in and sat with him and I lay in bed with the lights out crying. I couldn’t help it. I felt so helpless and here are these midwives and nurses who make it all seem so easy. Who make stopping a crying baby and calming them down seem so…natural! It was anything but easy or natural for me…when getting out of bed was something I had to learn to do all over again.

At about 10pm that night the night nurse started her shift. And here starts the longest night of my life!! Up until now, three shifts of midwives that I happened to like and trust had told me 15 minutes on each breast, and a top up with formula. This nurse, Liezel comes along and wakes me up and told me I am starving my baby and we are doing it all wrong. SHE is the expert, SHE has just finished her schooling and it is HER that should be listened to. After my night of crying, and being so tired and worried for Jaxon, I totally lost it at her crying. I kept saying “Why is it that ALL of the other nurses say one thing and you come here and say another?” and all sorts of things. I was SO confused. I couldn’t stop crying, and she kept putting him on the boob even though he was asleep and dropping off every 30 seconds. Even though we had established that he wasn’t getting anything from me. Through the tears I called Tim and told him if he didn’t come and deal with this b!tch…I was walking home! So he came in and the Nazi nurse kept us up until 5am trying to get us to see that SHE was right and that she was the breast feeding Goddess of the world. She kept trying to get us to watch a latching on video. Hello b!tch…he’s latching on just fine! He’s falling asleep…not latching wrong! I have MY technique down pat, he has his technique down pat…he just can’t stay awake!

Needless to say that nurse and I never got along. I will never forgive her for the hell she put us through every time she was on shift. JJ was on three hour feeds and she would FORCE us to breast feed him (even though he wasn’t getting ANYTHING from me since my milk wasn’t in) for 2.5 hours and then say “Right well you have half an hour to sleep, we need to feed in half an hour” LIKE HELL woman! Heck, I think I’ll write a complaint about her Nazi ways!

I was spoiled there because in a three bed bedroom I was all alone for 5 days. Tim could come and go as he pleased; visitor’s had the run of the room. I even walked around naked a bit! Seriously all of your dignity goes out the window when a male midwife gives you a sponge bath AND milk’s you like a cow IN FRONT of your husband and every member of staff…nurse, doctor or otherwise has seen your tits or worse, your twat!! Oh and let’s not forget the doctor shoving pain killer’s up you’re a$$!

So night five comes along and 2 other woman have their babies and join me. This was very stressful. And it was frustrating to watch them WALK to their beds just an hour after having their babies naturally. It was heart breaking to see them bonding with their babies, and changing their babies and feeding their babies the very next day and again I cried A LOT. For me I didn’t have a clue how to change a nappy because the nurses did it for me all the time. And when one of them finally said “I’ve left the nappy for you” I cried my eyes out because I had no clue! But I did make friends with both woman, and since we live in a small town our kids will grow up together. We took photo’s of all of them together…JJ (5 pound 15 ounces) looked tiny next to an 8 pounder and a 10 pounder! And one of them, Nicki is going to complain about Nazi Nurse as well…so that’s even better!!!!!

So tube feeding went on for another couple of nights. I was going stir crazy and got sent home between feeds during the day (the first time Maddy and Mexxi were SO happy to see me that I cried!) Then, a midwife that I had a really big fight with when I was working at the hospital came on shift and I was dreading my night even more than those with the Nazi nurse. But you know what…she was lovely. She said “It’s about time JJ came to the party and played ball” and she helped us to keep him awake. She forced him to breast feed every time he ate. And we weighed him before and after each feed to see how much he was getting from the boob. NOT MUCH at all!! He was meant to be getting 40 mil per feed but he was only getting 15 mil or so. So we HAD to formula feed to get him full and maintain his blood sugar.

The very last night we were there an OLD SCHOOL nurse came on. Tim thought we would hate her, but it was her that made us see that tube feeding was not the answer here. We told her how frustrated I was at being kept in there. That I felt like they would keep us in until JJ was toilet trained and that I just couldn’t bond with him if one) he had his face covered in this big ugly tape and tube, and two) I had to feed him by holding a syringe above his face, it wasn’t healthy for either of us…or Tim. So she taught us a few more keeping baby awake tricks, and said “Nipple confusion….pffffft what a loud of crap! Let’s just concentrate on getting him fed! Bottle feed him and you can go home!” But we did the weigh before and weigh after a breast feed, and with her keeping awake techniques and other things…he got his 40 mil quota!! Tim did the weigh and double checked, and checked again. I thought he was trying to figure it out…but he was double checking. I cried I was so happy!!!

So the next day, we told all of the nurses OUR plan. Screw what they had to say about tube feeding and blah blah, we ARE going home at 8pm tonight, we will express and feed if that’s what it takes. So we hired an electric pump and that’s what we’ve been doing ever since. It’s tiring but the good news is we had our first children’s health services visit last week and THEY figured out within two minutes of hearing our story and looking in JJ’s mouth that he is SEVERELY tongue tied! That’s why he’s not getting anything from me; he can’t bring his tongue up under the nipple to draw the milk down! I’m sort of p!ssed the midwives AND the doctor didn’t look at that. They seemed so content to just tube feed him for the rest of his life. Like how hard can it be to say “baby not feeding well…check list…is the baby tongue tied? Don’t blame the mother for doing it wrong or holding the baby wrong, or the baby for latching wrong…check for freaking tongue tie and fix the actual problem!!

SO that’s our VERY long story!! We came home and have played happy families ever since! Tomorrow (today) we fix the tongue tie, a very simple operation that will take less than two minutes. Then I should be able to take the machine back and breast feed like every other mother!

And before I go, a very special thank you to JeannetteKirk for her constant SMS/TEXT support through out my lonely nights! I cried every time Tim had to leave. We’ve never spent a single night apart and it was so hard watching him go. Without her support I would still be there battling now depression!