About Me, Stage Two

Stage Two. Or in other words,  late 1997 until 2002.

It’s a very hard time to write about. But I want to. You’ll just have to bare with me while I get it all out right.

There are things about me that you don’t know. And they’re  hard to jump right out and say without feeling somewhat ashamed.

But the thing is, I’m not ashamed.

Just embarrassed.

So I’m just gonna say it here, right now. And then I’ll probably leave it at that for a little while. Until I get over it.

I’m a self harmer. Or cutter.

And I’ve tried to commit suicide. Twice.

I’ll be back sooner or later to put it all down here in writing. Once I’ve done that, you’ll be on your way to discovering Boo.

These years were hard, really hard. But they’re a part of who I am and leaving them out would be cheating myself.

Attempt two

I’m calling this time 1997 to 2002 but really it all started a lot earlier than that.

When Terry died I guess I was in denial about it all for a very long time. Not that he had died. But that I needed help.

Depression is a funny thing. It’s so obvious from the outside but it’s one of the easiest things to lie about. How are you? I’m fine thanks, how are you?

We’re programmed from birth to act a certain way, say certain things in response to others. To give stock standard answer’s even if they’re not the truth.

I wasn’t fine. I really needed help. But the funny thing is that when I say it’s the easiest thing to lie about? It’s the easiest thing to lie to yourself about.

While people in my life kept telling me I needed help and I needed to do something about “it” I kept telling myself that I was fine. I kept telling myself that no one could help me and that talking about it just wouldn’t help.

So for five years after Terry died, I broke.

That really is the easiest way to describe the way my life went in those few years.

And thats about as far as I am going to get right about now.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not all crushed and crying because this is painful, it’s really not. It’s therapeutic to get it out. But the creative juices stopped flowing at about 11.30pm and it’s now 11.55 and I wont get anywhere further than this tonight.

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