We went to see my Dad last week for a couple of days. He and I were busy out in the garage building things when I spotted this very cool tugboat shaped jar. Immediately I thought…FISH TANK!!

We bought Jaxon two gold fish. He has named them various things over the last few days. Memo (Nemo) seems to stick, but the other fish get’s delegated a different name each time we ask him. It’s been called “Daddy” and “Dago” (Diego) and “Dori”.

I’ll let you know when he’s settled on one name

Jaxon had his first Easter Egg Hunt at Nanny’s. I don’t know that he got it this year, though he was excited about finding eggs. I think next year with him will be a blast!

OK, OK. So I haven’t posted for AGES! And now my many fans are starting to notice. You should see the bags upon bags of hate mail we’re getting every day. You’d think the world was coming to an end. People should just learn to live without me

So you can rest easy knowing that I am in fact starting to feel a little like posting again. And to warm you in to my many words of wisdom and dribble I thought I’d share a few photo’s and perhaps a video or two of the last month or so when I’ve not bothered coming here to let you know I wiped my ass.

I did my first paid photo shoot for a friends family. It turned out OK, and it certainly taught me how hard it is to get four people (two of which were not so good at taking directions) to look at the camera at the same time.

I took Jaxon to a local skate park, just for shits and giggles. He had a ball climbing up and down hill’s.

I asked Jaxon what he wanted to do one day and this is what he wanted to do.

We spent a good hour of our morning looking through junk mail.

Jaxon fell in love with DORA!! Our friend works for the place that is doing the nation wide tour of Dora.

Jaxon and I went to the Silver Circus. He wasn’t that impressed until the Ball of Death came out. He thought the motor bike rider was Daddy

If you look just to the right of the “H” in the photo with the NO SMOKING sign in it, you’ll see Jaxon’s head popping out from behind the chairs. This was his way of spending the half hour intermission.

Testing….testing…one, two and three.

Yes, it seems the blog is still working. Perhaps it’s me that’s broken?

Obviously I still have a long way to go to perfecting this art.

But I’m having fun.

I must admit, that there was a little bit of guilt on my part, when the whole Dad getting stuck with the animals thing happened. A dog is for life, not just for Christmas… that kind of thing. I felt really bad that originally we’d just intended for him to have them while we lived with Nanny and Poppy and then all of a sudden we’re accepted to rent a house that doesn’t allow pets and he’s left with them.

We offered to find them all new homes. It wasn’t what we wanted but I wanted to make sure he got the chance to say, no, I can’t have them all.

But he wouldn’t have it. And now that I think about it, and see just how much he LOVES Dookie…I don’t think we were ever going to get them back.

Now Dad tells me that the minute Dookie first jumped out of our car when we arrived back from Queensland he KNEW this was his dog. He says that Dookie came bounding up to him and though we couldn’t hear it…Dookie was yelling out “Daddddyyy I found you!”

So if in a year, we move and we’re able to have them back…I don’t think I’d have the heart to separate them. Dad didn’t think he would ever have another dog after his last two Marley and Max died. He didn’t think he could love another dog as much as he did those two. But now he says that Dookie will be his last dog. And in a way, I’m glad I gave that gift to him. Dad, like me…has always loved dogs and from my point of view, they have made his life richer.

Dookie is in good hands.

I’ve joined a project over on FLICKR where I need to take a new photo every single day for a year. What a huge project that is going to be. I’m on day 8 now, obviously day 7 yesterday. I had a hard time of it, seeing that I am not as talented as I thought I was. Not as creative as I’d like to be. Seeing the other amazing photo’s that people put up daily just rams that in to you.

Anyway, I saw this quote in someone else’s photo stream and thought it fitted the way I felt yesterday. And about life in general. We spend our time wondering why things happen, what the meaning of our lives are. But then you read this and it all seems to make sense. It probably doesn’t matter what the answers are, as long as your living life while they come to you.

“Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions” – Raner Maria Rilke

Do you ever feel like you’re just waiting for something to happen???

I do.

The problem being, I don’t know what I’m waiting for.

I want to be a photographer, but don’t know what my next step is.

I don’t believe that I take good enough photo’s to charge people. But that would seem like the next logical step. To just get out there and start doing it.

That’s pretty hard when you have no faith in your own abilities. Plenty have said that what I do is good. But they’re not looking at the photo’s I’m looking at. And they’re not seeing what I IMAGINE the picture will be in my head before I take it. Hence, they’re not seeing that I’m not getting anything like what I WANT to get from my camera.

It’s very frustrating. Much like when we were doing stained glass, everyone thought the work we did was amazing. But compared to the lady in the shop who did the most amazing things with glass…my stuff was shit. Without a word of a lie.

I just want to go somewhere with this. But don’t know how to go there with it. I want to take photo’s for people, but I’m not confident enough to charge them. But I need practice so I need to take the photo’s to learn my way around. So if I offer my services for free, then people will expect it to be free when one day, it shouldn’t be. But who decides that??

So I sit and wait for something new to happen. Where can I take a class in self confidence???

Just letting you know that I’ve finally posted something that I wrote a little while ago.

You can find it here.

My cousin very recently had her first baby and was very kind to let me take some happy snaps of him yesterday.

I had this idea in my head that new born photography would be cool. Because it’s not like they can get away.

But they don’t take instructions very well either. And though they can’t get up and walk away…they wriggle! They most certainly do not like being naked and man handled or place in position either!

That’s not to say I don’t still think new born photography is cool. Love it…but it was certainly harder than I expected to capture Jacob, who is only three weeks old…in a good light. With his patchy red new skin and milk pimples. A lesson learned.

Jaxon’s latest craze?

Toy Story.

When Jaxon grows up, he wants to be a Space Ranger!

Tim and I just watched that movie, 2012.

While watching the movie, which was incredibly LONG and very very LOUD, all I could keep thinking was…is this going to happen in my life time?

Is the end of the world as we know it, on it’s way…and will I get to see it?

Then I looked down at Jaxon, who was asleep in my lap since we were at a friends house, and wondered…what would I do?

Would I panic? Would I fight to survive it if I could…if that were possible?  Or, for the sake of my child…would I be all life as normal?

I decided that it would probably be life as normal. Maybe a suicide pact? Maybe a peaceful moment where Tim, Jaxon and I all looked in to each others eyes and were just thankful we were together as the waves hit…earth crumbled in around us/sky went dark (insert dooms day ending here)

Perhaps a family BBQ, where we all got drunk and merry…and just lived while we could. Not worrying too much about what might happen or how it might end for us.

Part of me likes to think that if this were to happen I would fight for my life and the life of my family. To see it through to the last millisecond, never giving up hope. But then the other part of me thinks that if it’s meant to happen…and we’re meant to survive…then we will.

Just a thought. Let’s hope it doesn’t happen. But if it does…at least I’ve thought it through right?

When you use your sons toys to practice your photography lighting!

We’ve finally found ourselves a project.

Or many.

Tonight I made up a mini light box.

This is one of my photo’s.

More to come.

(Nanny I promise we’ll bring your car back soon :))

Today, as I dropped Jaxon off for his second day in his new day care, I expected a fight. After all, at his last day care he was crying before we got out of the car in the car park. Then he’d cling to me, making it almost impossible to carry him inside. And then he’d scream bloody murder that I was leaving him IN THIS HELL HOLE!

Today, he practically pushed me out the door. Go Mum. I’ve got this.

I tried very hard to make sure he understood. Mummy is leaving now Jaxon.

He wouldn’t even hug me. I had to beg for a hug.

And then, he looked at me as if to say…go Mum, you’re embarrassing me.

But Jaxon. I don’t think you quite understand me. I’m going now and I’m leaving you and you’ll be alone and scared in a new place and I wont be back for a very long time.

As I walk out the door Jaxon raises his eye brows at me. Roll’s his eyes and if he had the words they would have sounded much like this.

STOP CRYING MUM, You’re embarrassing me!

Camping on the Murray River…without a conventional loo and shower, no running fresh water and none of the comforts of home is not every one’s idea of a good time. But my family and I have been returning to the same place for many many years.

Every year (aside from the last 7) we return to this.

People don’t know what they’re missing out on!

This, my dear friends, is what I do when I’m drunk on the Murray river at 4 am in the morning.

These photo’s are done with long exposures. Almost half an hour for each photo.

My Mother In Law has a thing for cactus. Or Cacti.

She has a huge arrangement of them along the front of the house and along the back of the house.

Now I happen to think they’re butt ugly. I’ve never seen a cactus I like.

But then, I didn’t know they do this…they smell delicious too.

I still don’t like cactus.

But WOW.

They’re pretty impressive when they’re in bloom!

I can hardly hold it against my mother in law for having a thing for them.

Since moving down here I’ve found it harder and harder to be good in the food department.

When I first arrived I was all about counting points and being somewhat good.

But then as time went by I relaxed a little and it became about reducing the amount of damage I was going to do by doing that.

Then, sadly, I just gave up trying. I ate what I wanted when I wanted and now I’m seeing the results of that. I see the chubbier chin and the pants are getting tighter.

The thing about this is that I know all too well that I can no longer afford to be so relaxed with my food intake. I know that in order to lose weight or even maintain weight (which I just proved I am not ready to do yet) I need to count points.

So tomorrow I start again. Tomorrow I have to get back in to counting every single little tiny itty bitty bit of food and drink I put in my mouth.

No matter how much I can’t be bothered.

Because more than not feeling like doing it, I don’t want to go back there. I thankfully still remember that feeling of looking in the mirror and hating the person looking back at me. I remember how desperate I felt and how much I hated walking out the front door on a daily basis.

Tomorrow is a new day.

As most would know, Jaxon and I have just returned from our first camping trip to the Murray River with my Dad. I have many many stories and photo’s to share with you, so many that it might just have to be over a few posts.

I’ll start first with two choice moments which I found amusing as I watched my little boy grow up a little bit more.

First of all was the day he and I sat in the car killing time. With me in the passenger seat and Jaxon in the driver’s seat. He loves being in the car. Normally he fiddles with knobs and pushes buttons (and let’s not forget putting coins in the CD player, which he’s done twice now. Currently…we have a $2 coin stopping our CD’s from working) and climbing from front to back.

But this day was different. This day, Jaxon sat there and instructed me to put my seat belt on. When it appeared that I might be having trouble remembering how to buckle myself in he lent over and gave me a hand. Then of course, since he couldn’t reach his own seat belt he instructed me to help him buckle himself in.

Once that was all sorted out Jaxon casually sat back, put both hands on the steering wheel, looked over my way and said two words.

“Keys Mum”

To which I replied “You’re a funny little boy Jaxon”

Now since I haven’t bothered to blog since we’ve moved in to the new house there’s a bit of back ground to this one.

Once we had all of our furniture Jaxon very quickly settled in. He wondered around and knew instantly that this was home and this was his turf. When I was unpacking the pantry (or food press as Tim and I affectionately call it) Jaxon came across a little tin of cat food. I think at that point it occurred to him that something very important was missing from his home. Mexxi, Dude and Dookie. So Jaxon wondered around for quite some time calling for them and asking “Where’s Dookie Mum? Where’s Dude??” I told him they were with Grandpa (whom he call’s paw paw) which he seemed to understand.

Once we arrived up at the river and met Dad, Dookie and Mexxi both jumped out of the car. Jaxon immediately asked “Where’s Dude?” so I told him that I thought Dude might be up a tree. Later that night, when we called Daddy to say good night Jaxon was chatting away to him about all the things we’d been doing. We’d seen Kookaburra’s and there was a fire and lot’s of water and then he tell’s Daddy that “Dudes up tree”

Camping with Jaxon, alone and without Daddy was surprisingly good. I had been stressed about the thought of constantly having to monitor Jaxon’s movements to make sure he wasn’t out playing with snakes or trying to swim in the Murray. To anyone that doesn’t know the Murray river, it look’s completely harmless and safe but in actual fact it’s very dangerous with strong undercurrents and drifts to pull you under. But once the first night and a small portion of the first day were over with Jaxon seemed well aware of the fact that he wasn’t allowed to touch the water (or fire) and was happy just to stand on the banks and throw sticks in to watch them floating off. I thoroughly enjoyed our five days away and was a little sad that Tim wasn’t there to share it with us.

But there’s always next year!

I tried to be good. Honest. But after a while, it got harder and harder to resist.

I am of course referring to my recent weight loss…and probable weight gain. I wouldn’t go as far as to blame my in laws. But I can say without a word of a lie that they were successful in introducing Tim and I to some very yummy and irresistible food.

The plan was not to worry too much about the food. Not worry too much about counting points and trying to lose weight. The plan was to try and just reduce the amount of damage I did to my previous efforts and then get back on the wagon when we were settled in to the new home.

Well, now we’re settled in to the new home. Now, I have to face the music.

I’ve been tossing up over not going to weigh in for two or three weeks and seeing if I can lose the weight I may have put on in the past few weeks before I go back. But unfortunately I think I wont be able to get back on the wagon…unless I DO go back and weigh in.

So it’s time to face the music for me. Time to face the fact that I may have put on a kilo or two in the past month. Time to face the fact that I now need to try and get back in to eating the way I was before we left Queensland and time to face the fact that those ever so yummy things that we’ve been introduced to  will have to go in the “treat only” basket.

Bummer.

My one loyal fan tell’s me that I need to update the blog. But the problem with that is that there isn’t a lot to say. And besides, all of my photo’s that I’d like to show you, from Australia Zoo, to the move, and a few things that have happened since we arrived back home in Melbourne…are on my computer…all the way up <<<< that end of the house. It’s a very long way to go, and there is no chair to sit on. So you’ll just have to wait until we’re set up with our own computer’s in our new home. Which should be soon. We move on Thursday.

YAY!!

5th August

Dear Diary,

Well in my last entry I said we were counting on a good tax return and a good garage sale to get us back. I’m happy to say that both of those things have happened, and we’re now in a great financial spot to be able to make this move. And I mean GREAT. If Tim doesn’t get a job before we go, on the 1st of September, then we’ll still be alright up until October. Perhaps even mid October.

It’s all finalizing now. We’ve had our garage sale, and made a killing. And this Saturday, as Tim and I celebrate our 7th year of being together and 6th year of being married, we’re also having a Farewell BBQ.

Tim has put in his notice at Big W. He finishes up on the 21st of August. And I’m telling you now, he can’t wait and neither can I. The day he finishes up is the day that everything becomes REAL.

We’ve sat down, and we’ve created a fantastic resume for Tim. We’ve applied for 80 jobs in Melbourne so far. We’ve had 6 rejections. Three phone interviews. All of which ended in them telling Tim that he’s perfect for the job but they can’t hold the position open that long. So I’m super confident that before we go, Tim will have a job to go to.

Of course, Tim is not so confident. I want him to have faith in me and how I am feeling about this move rather than focusing on his very small percentage of rejections. We will continue to put in job applications and as the time get’s closer I am confident he will be successful.

I keep telling him it’s in the stars. It is meant to be that we move. Because if it wasn’t meant to be then none of the things we needed to happen before we could go, would have happened. We would never have got a good tax return and our garage sale would have been a bust.

The same thing happened when we decided we’d move up here. We had no money to make the move the day we decided we would go. But we once again got a great tax return and a pay out from the theft of my car a few months earlier. Without those things happening, we wouldn’t be here in the first place.

The day Tim came home and I said we should move back to Melbourne we had $300 in our savings account. And now, two months after we’ve decided to go back, we have enough money that we could survive quite easily for the next two and a bit months without a job.

This move is meant to be. And everything will be ok.

It’s mazing how much the internet takes over your life. The thing is, you don’t notice until it’s gone.

Now that I’m at Poppy and Nanny’s and sharing a computer I’ve discovered just how much time I spent with the internet. Not just spending time on the internet but how I would go home and the first thing I HAD to do was check my email’s, check facebook and see what everyone else was up to. Like my life depended on it or something.

So for two weeks now I’ve been totally off the internet. Not unable to use it but not wanting to use it. Not feeling like I am missing status updates about people getting out of bed, having lunch, sitting in the air port and blah blah blah. The stuff it wont hurt me not to know but that I once felt like I needed to know.

I know that when I am back in my own home it will all go back to “normal” but for now I feel free. Like I am not carrying everyone else’s lives in my pocket.

12th June

Dear Diary
We’re still moving. As long as we can afford it. We’ve planted the seed though. With the in laws. We’ve told them we’re planning a holiday to some place on the coast here. We’ve still never been to the coast and it’s a rare event that Tim and I actually HAVE a holiday that we can afford. So that would be totally possible. But this year we’re counting on a good tax return and a good garage sale to get us back.

I have my concerns about this move back. But not what you’d expect.

When we first came up here we came with one dog and two cats. Now, on our return trip, we’ll be going with two dogs and one cat. The problem is that with inflation, it would cost us $888 just to get Dude back. To get a partially grown GREAT Dane and TWO cats up last time, with a week of boarding to wait for us to get here…cost us that much. So Dude, comes with us this time. On a 25 hour drive. Great.

Then of course, Dookie is also a problem. Not because he’s so big and will take up too much room…or that we might not be able to find somewhere to stay with him over night. Because Dookie Dook…get’s car sick. He’s terrified of the car! That there is a BIG problem. Hopefully a quick call to the vet for some Valium will do the trick!

Then of course there is my insecure mind. I’m worried. I’m worried we will get there, knock on Poppy and Nanny’s front door…surprise, we’re here…and then tell them we’re going to stay and they won’t WANT us there.
Several time’s we’ve discussed moving back with them, and several times they’ve had good reason’s for why we shouldn’t.

Hence, why we’re not telling anyone. This is our choice. We want it to be based on our reasons and not someone else’s. We want it to be because WE decided that we WOULD go, and not because someone said it was OK if we did go.

When we first moved here we said that we would at least give this move a good go. We would at least stay here for one year and see how we felt after that. We’ve done that. And to be completely honest, we love it here. We are really going to miss so much about it.

But we’ve been here five years now. We’ve given it a good go and we both feel that our time here is coming to an end. We’re returning to Melbourne for one thing and one thing only. Family. Moving somewhere different wouldn’t help. We’re alone here, and would be alone anywhere else we moved. Melbourne is the only place we want to be now.

Haaaa. We’re back in Melbourne and it feels great! I’m soaking up the Melbourne…um, weather. Not much sun to speak of, but I love it!

We left on the 31st of August after saying good bye to our very good friends. At 2pm we set off with two dogs, a cat and a toddler. The drive was surprisingly good. We had Dude and Dookie drugged so they weren’t a problem at all. We arrived at my Dad’s 23 hours later and stayed the night there to rest.

Then for the big surprise.

We started texting photo’s of Jaxon at The Australia Zoo to Nanny and Poppy at around lunch time on the Wednesday. Little did we know that Nanny had had a bad day of door knocker’s and fights with Internet company’s.

So when I knocked on the door like their house was on fire, Poppy ducked for cover. If it had been yet another door knocker they may not have seen the day of light again.

Tim started whispering in Jaxon’s ear “Nannny!!!!” and Jaxon started whispering “Nannnyyy!!!” So Tim said “No, NAAAAAANNNNNYYYYY!!!!!”

As Nanny came to the door to answer our calls all she could hear was Jaxon’s sweet sweet voice calling her name. She nearly cried to have us here and it was a lovely family moment.

The plan had been to keep it a secret that we were here in Melbourne for good. But Tim kept slipping up, letting them know that the pet’s were at Dad’s house (and why on earth would they be in Melbourne if we were just here for a week or two??) So we told them the news. We’re here to stay, we miss you.

I think I wrote in one of my upcoming delayed diary posts that I was scared they wouldn’t WANT us here but boy was I wrong! They’re thrilled to have us here. Thrilled we’re staying and the family is back in one place again. We’re all happy.

Now to find a job, and a home to settle in!

You probably don’t know this, but right as we speak…Tim, Jaxon and I are on holidays!

We’ve not had a holiday since 2007 so when Tim’s boss told him he had too many weeks saved up (6 weeks) we decided it was time to show Jaxon around the state.

We’re off North. We have no real plans but have a few choice things we really want to see. We’ll be visiting Australia Zoo (home of the crocodile hunter!) for the first time, going to Underwater world and then there are the Glass House Mountains. I’ve put in a photo of them from a far, it’s as close as I’ve ever been to them.

That’s a pretty crappy photo so I got one off line…to show you there is actually more to them than this little peak.

Then, we don’t know. I guess we should sit down and do some research hey??

Stayed tuned, for a post about how incredibly adorable and cute my son is!

With everything that’s been happening around here (like, the pub fire…wow!) I didn’t get to post about a few things that have happened over the last few days.

Dookie went and had his nuts cut off He came back a little quiet. Not dopey, just quiet. Probably mourning the loss of his two best  friends.

Here he is, that night, hugging our crazy cow. At least he was crazy until Jaxon pulled out his battery pack.

Dookie was often caught outside making sweet sweet puppy love to his dog bed. I bet right now, he’s missing the sex.

The news spread like wild fire. Mobile phones beeped and rang, friends visited friends. Facebook was alive with the news that The Universal Hotel was going up in flames.

I’ve never been there. In fact, I’ve never set foot in a single pub here in town…in five years. That’s pretty amazing to the people I grew up with. The one’s whose parents hated me because I was THAT girl, THE BAD INFLUENCE!

I couldn’t resist the opportunity to go down and take photo’s of this historical event.

RIP Universal Hotel

1907 – 23rd august 2009

(don’t worry, I’m sure the rednecks of the town are already rallying to get you rebuilt)

I am absolutely useless at finding my way around streets. Actually, I lie. I can find myself around the streets…but when it comes to recalling the name of the street I am on, I just can’t do it. I can not make it stick.

I’ve been like this all of my life. While my brother basically came out of the womb ready to face the world and get lost if he had to, I came out scared of getting lost and unwilling to try. Terry took himself to school from his very first day. Granted, we lived three doors from the school…but when it was my turn, I had to be taken right to that front door and there was NO WAY my Mum was going to get me to do it alone. Did I mention that we lived three doors from the school?? That we had no streets to cross, no lights to wait for?? We didn’t even have a dog I could be scared of.

It didn’t get better as I got older. When I was 12 and decided I wanted to have music lesson’s I needed to find my way to Collins Street in the heart of the city. I had to get a TRAM all by myself and I still had not stepped on a tram by myself before that. But Mum made me do it. I guess there was a life lesson in there somewhere. The thing was, I was so scared I would miss my stop and end up lost in the city. Despite the fact that a tram on it’s return run (remembering trams don’t miraculously jump tracks)…would go right BY OUR HOUSE!

So Mum came up with a brilliant way of teaching me where things were. She used landmarks. Collin’s street was the next stop after Bourke Street. And Bourke Street was a pedestrian walkway covered in bright red bricks. The only one in the city. Mum would say “Push the button’s after the red bricks”. All I’d have to do is get off at the next stop.

So I sat on that tram and I watched as the streets went by. I didn’t look at street names, I looked for the red bricks. The second I saw the red bricks, heart pumping in my ears from the fear I was feeling, I got up and pushed that button as quick as I could.

Mum had a back up plan too. If I missed the red bricks, all I had to do was get  off at McDonald’s…and go two blocks back.

It worked. I knew where the red bricks were and I knew where McDonalds was and from there I could be directed through a series of landmarks to the place I needed to go. Eventually I was able to name a few streets.

I was totally lost when the city took the red bricks out and replaced them with your every day standard bricks.

But 20 years on, I’m still the same. I still use landmarks to find myself around town. By moving here, I reduced the number of street names I actually needed to remember by more than 95%. But still, I don’t know which one Grafton St is, or Albion Street is. We only HAVE one main street to remember.  Tim, now has to say “Go to Eagle Boy’s Pizza and turn right” or “It’s on the same street as the statue”

I wonder, if in 40 years I will ever know the streets of this town by their name and not their landmarks.

Anyone that knows Tim will know that he’s a walking encyclopedia. He has so much crap in his head. He remembers everything, unless of course it’s me telling him it’s bin night, or could you pleeease put your clothes IN the basket and not NEXT to the basket….or….and…if…

You can talk to Tim about anything. It could be the most out there thing, something that most people know nothing about…and he’ll have something to tell you about it.

That’s really frustrating for me sometimes. It doesn’t matter what I know about something, chances are good that Tim know’s more. Chances are that I’m telling the story wrong in the first place, and Tim can correct me.

But the other day, finally, after six years of marriage…I knew something that he didn’t. And what a lovely change it was to feel like the brains and not just the pretty face! It also prooves that I wasn’t drunk or asleep through every single chemistry class I ever had during year twelve. I was able to tell Tim that the “half life” of radioactive waste, is the time that it takes for HALF of the original substance to break down.

I had to write it here so that I would remember it has happened once. No doubt it will take another six years of living together for me to find something Tim doesn’t know.