I thought I’d escaped it.

I thought I was past the danger zone and well in the clear.

But it appears I am not.

And now my life will never be the same again.

Because tonight, for the first time ever, Jaxon shit in the bath.

Mum has always got her rocks off telling the story of a time long long ago when I myself…shit in the bath.

So as I squished that lump down the plug hole I thought of you Mum.

That saying about revenge being a dish best served cold???

It turn’s out it can be just as good served warm, floating in a sea of bubbles.

I thought I’d escaped it.

I thought I was past the danger zone and well in the clear.

But it appears I am not.

And now my life will never be the same again.

Because tonight, for the first time ever, Jaxon shit in the bath.

Mum has always got her rocks off telling the story of a time long long ago when I myself…shit in the bath.

So as I squished that lump down the plug hole I thought of you Mum.

That saying about revenge being a dish best served cold???

It turn’s out it can be just as good served warm, floating in a sea of bubbles.

A few nights ago our friends dropped in for a routine visit. They happen to be childless, and while children are not on the cards for them at any time in the near future, they really would like them right now.

At one point, my friend told Tim that she was just going to take our little munchkin instead. Tim and I both said…go for it. She said that was a bit rough, and again we could have won a gold medal for our synchronized reply… “You have NO idea”

It’s true. And BC, or before child…I had no idea either. I’m reading a book recommended to me by one of my girls. It’s called “I was a great Mum before I had kids” Before I even had the book, I loved it. Because the statement made in the title is true of everyone, whether they know it or not.

I was one of those people that looked down my nose at people who let their kids run wild in supermarkets. I wondered why they just didn’t control the situation as their child threw themselves at the floor screaming because they couldn’t have a lolly. I judged everything, from dummies, to speech development, to manners.

But seriously, what would I know? I had no idea. I still have no idea. And now I’m a parent. Before children, when I was warned that being a parent was hard I thought to myself…sure. It’s hard. I know that.

To those people who tried to warn me I say…solving a Rubik’s cube is hard. Opening the lid on a child proof container is hard and getting burnt rice off the bottom of a pot is hard.

They should probably reconsider their definition of having children, or the use of the word “hard” to describe being a parent. While I can take the sticker’s off a Rubik’s cube and rearrange them back in order, and I can throw the child proof container at the wall in anger, or simply throw the ruined pot out and replace it with a new one, none of those things applies to having kids or being a parent.

Nothing I say will prepare you.

All I can say is…”there’s the deep end…good luck”

A few nights ago our friends dropped in for a routine visit. They happen to be childless, and while children are not on the cards for them at any time in the near future, they really would like them right now.

At one point, my friend told Tim that she was just going to take our little munchkin instead. Tim and I both said…go for it. She said that was a bit rough, and again we could have won a gold medal for our synchronized reply… “You have NO idea”

It’s true. And BC, or before child…I had no idea either. I’m reading a book recommended to me by one of my girls. It’s called “I was a great Mum before I had kids” Before I even had the book, I loved it. Because the statement made in the title is true of everyone, whether they know it or not.

I was one of those people that looked down my nose at people who let their kids run wild in supermarkets. I wondered why they just didn’t control the situation as their child threw themselves at the floor screaming because they couldn’t have a lolly. I judged everything, from dummies, to speech development, to manners.

But seriously, what would I know? I had no idea. I still have no idea. And now I’m a parent. Before children, when I was warned that being a parent was hard I thought to myself…sure. It’s hard. I know that.

To those people who tried to warn me I say…solving a Rubik’s cube is hard. Opening the lid on a child proof container is hard and getting burnt rice off the bottom of a pot is hard.

They should probably reconsider their definition of having children, or the use of the word “hard” to describe being a parent. While I can take the sticker’s off a Rubik’s cube and rearrange them back in order, and I can throw the child proof container at the wall in anger, or simply throw the ruined pot out and replace it with a new one, none of those things applies to having kids or being a parent.

Nothing I say will prepare you.

All I can say is…”there’s the deep end…good luck”

Every baby book, or forum I have ever been a part of has had certain advice that seems the same across the board.

Not all children will have colic.

Not all children will have reflux.

Not all babies eyes will change colour shortly after birth.

Not all children will have allergic reaction’s to milk, or shots, or peanuts.

So what scares me the most is that nowhere have I ever heard it said…

“Not all children will go through the terrible two’s”

Jaxon has been terrible to deal with for the past 3 weeks. He wants something, he doesn’t want it, but he wants it. He wants to be held, but he doesn’t want to be held, but if you put him down there is hell to pay. He’s hungry, but he’s not hungry. He wants to feed himself but he’ll cry if you don’t do it and then cry while you’re doing it.

It’s unbearable at times. I’ve tried giving him what he wants, which doesn’t always work, or work for long. I’ve tried ignoring his crying and whaling. And that doesn’t work either.

So what scares me the most is that Jaxon is not yet two, so I can’t say for sure that this IS the terrible two’s we’re experiencing. If this IS NOT the terrible two’s (and it surely is terrible) then what the hell have I got to look forward to???

Jaxon’s belly button.

Every time I see it, I’m reminded that once upon a time, not too long ago, he and I were one.

Jaxon was inside of me.

And not making so much noise.

When I returned home last night, despite the fact it was half an hour past his dinner time…Jaxon was in the perfect state of happiness. It seems that in writing down a list of things that I desperately wanted to happen I jinxed myself and not one of them occurred. No nasty poo, no out of control tantrums, no accidental spills or extra baths.

I was thinking that I would return home and find Jaxon standing at the kitchen gate, yelling out his usual “mam…mam mam mam” for food as Tim frantically tried to find something that he would actually eat, after refusing two other choices. But no, he walked casually up to me with a big smile on his face.

I was hoping to hear horror poo stories. Poo on the wall’s, all over Tim and Jaxon. Smothered on clothes. But no, Jaxon did a nice little neat poo…a one wipe poo.

The ultimate pleasure would have been finding Jaxon gripping the floor, screaming his head off and flailing his arms and legs about. Inconsolable, because Daddy told him he couldn’t shove the remote control up the cats bum, no matter how funny it would look to see him try. But no…all smiles. No horror stories.

Tim tells me that while they watched a Simpson’s episode, Jaxon said “dodecahedron” and “antidisestablishmentarianism” (I know, go figure?) and that he sat and read a chapter of Charlotte’s Web all by himself.

While Tim was at home thinking “gee this is easy” I was out thinking “gee, this hobby is fucking HARD”

When Jaxon was just a couple of weeks old we had a visit from my IL’s. They suggested and strongly urged me to find a hobby. Something to get me out of the house, something to do. They suggested many many different things for me to try, all of them very good idea’s. But I didn’t want to do it.

I didn’t want to leave Jaxon. I was scared that something would happen and I wouldn’t be there to do anything about it. I was scared he would cry and Tim wouldn’t be able to stop it. I was scared that he would do something new and I would miss it. What if he yawned and it was super duper cute and I missed it?

Recently I found something that I want to try. It starts tonight and I will be gone from the house for ONE and a HALF HOURS! Tim will be completely in control of looking after Jaxon. It will be the longest time I have ever been gone for. I wont be hiding in the bedroom where I am easily accessible when somethings not going right. I wont be back in 20 minutes from a short trip to the shop for dinner supplies. I will be completely, 100% gone.

So here’s a list of things that I secretly (don’t) want to happen…

• I don’t want Jaxon to refuse his bottle BUT cry if you take it away from him.
• I would hate for Jaxon to spill cold coffee down his front just after a bath
• I don’t want Jaxon’s bum to explode, and if this should happen I do hope his nappy is big enough to hold it all in
• I would hate it if while Tim was changing that poo, Jaxon reached down and smeared it all over himself.
• I think it would be terrible if while Tim tried to stop Jaxon from putting that poo covered hand in his mouth, he accidentally got poo all over his own hands.
• I would hate for Jaxon to refuse three different meal choices one after the other, and not be happy with any of them.
• I would hate it if Tim had to say the words “no” or “don’t touch” or “You can’t have that” or “not for babies” to Jaxon, and it would certainly break my heart if Jaxon were to melt to the floor in fits of screams and tears because his world was coming to an end.

I’m not trying to say that Tim doesn’t deal with those things on a regular basis, you all know Tim is the best husband and father ever. But I am comfortable enough to say that previously he has dealt with them all knowing that I am there to back him up. That if he can’t figure it out, I’m there to take over.

I’d also like to add that while I am gone I also wouldn’t want any of the following to happen…

• It would break my heart to have Jaxon say two words in a row. Or even one word, but a really clear word. I’d hate for him to say “homogenisation” or “excavation” so clearly that there is no doubt about what it was he said.
• I would hate to be gone while Jaxon perfected the art of spinning on the spot.
• I would not want to miss him mastering the use of a spoon, or drinking from a cup without spilling it.
• I would hate to miss a rare moment when Jaxon will sit still and almost cuddle for 2 whole minutes

Haaaaaa. Now that I have that off my chest I feel much better. I really do hope the night goes smoothly for all of us…because if it doesn’t then I might not get to go out again until Jaxon is twenty one!!

Jaxon’s not one of those babies whose up for sitting around and enjoying a quiet night on the couch. He’s not one for cuddling with us, even if he’s upset. He’s not even cuddly and cute when he’s tired. He’s on the move from the moment he wakes up to the minute he goes to sleep.

This morning after I gave him his bottle, when he sat peacefully in my arms, I enjoyed every single second of it. For two and a half minutes, he sat. He lay with his head on my shoulder. There was no struggle to get down, or kicks and screams that I was keeping him there.

It was HEAVEN on Earth and while I don’t expect it will happen very often, I could get used to it.

A few weeks ago while Tim and I did our weekly shopping, we found a great special on Jaxon’s nappies. Two packs for $50. Normally a single pack would cost us $35 so it really WAS a great saving. We grabbed them up, happy that we had saved ourselves $20 bucks.

Last week though, before we even got to opening either of those packs, Jaxon grew out of his current sized nappies. It’s the first time he’s done that since he was 8 months old, so it’s not like we should have known better. It’s so long between size changes with Jaxon that we get complacent!

We’re getting by now by changing him more often during the day and using the next sized nappy overnight. So far so good. Being only a quarter of the way through the first pack, I wonder if we wont have over 150 nappies sitting here waiting for our next child. With no current plans to have another baby, that could be a LONG wait.

Thanks to a certain friend of ours, Jaxon is obsessed with mobile phones. She not only gives hers to him when he’s with her, but he gave him her old phone to play with. Of course that phone is not good enough, because it doesn’t have lights like hers does!

Our mobile phone serves as nothing more than an alarm clock. Generally speaking it sits on the bedside table on silent and never get’s used. I pick it up in the morning to turn it off. That’s it. If we go on a long drive we take it with us, as a just in case measure. But we don’t take it shopping and we don’t take it to friends houses. We never hear it ring and we never use it to make calls.

Tonight I needed it to get a phone number from it (hey it also serves us as a phone book!) I left it on the computer desk where the home phone is. A few minutes ago Jaxon walked past Tim with it. Open. When Tim finally got it out of his hands Jaxon was kicking and screaming at the injustice being served to him. Tim put the phone to his ear only to hear the end of a message bank message. My Mum’s.

Jaxon called my Mum. It’s the second time he’s called her, because she’s in my phone as my ICE (In Case of Emergency) and she’s the first number you get to. He sms’d a friend in South Africa once too. Clever boy!

I’ve just recently quit drinking coke. In it’s place I’ve been drinking nothing but water. When I was drinking coke Jaxon always wanted to have some. We thought it was the can (we didn’t give it to him) but maybe I was wrong. Now he wants water and I give him tiny sips in a little blue plastic cup.

Tonight I gave him his little sip as the last part of the bottle I was finishing off. He promptly walked it over to his little blue cup and poured it in to drink it. Of course, he completely missed the cup and poured the water all over the floor, but who cares…it was SO cute.

Now he’s walking around with his bottle and picking up random toys to take with him. That saying “pitta patta of little feet” has just come in to affect in our household. We finally have that sound of his little feet and little legs pounding around the home, and I LOVE it. I could sit and watch him walking all day and night. Most days I am forced to do that anyway, because now he knows how to walk that’s all he does. Around and around the couch, out here into the computer room and back again. Over and over again. Again I say, so cute!

Today at the EDC he got to play with rice and blocks and have a play in the sand pit outside. There is this one little boy, about 4 or 5 years old, who can not walk. He drags himself along on the ground on his tummy all the time. I’m not sure of the exact name of it, but he’s just always happy. He never gets upset. Anyway, because he’s bound to the ground, he has special toys that are at his level. One of them is this thing with a big green and red button on it. The green one light’s up and makes a honking noise and the red one vibrates when you push it. Today all of the kids surrounded this annoying little toy while Jaxon was playing with rice. He took a slight interest when he dictated to the other kids that they were making too much noise! His protest came with Hitler like hand motion’s and commands.

I’m just in ore now of the progress that Jaxon makes each day. It fascinates me the way they learn about the world by doing stupid things. As I said, I have the cutest kid ever!

Tim and I started trying to teach Jaxon to wave ta-ta months ago. Since he was really little. Finally he gets it and does it occasionally. Very cute. Sometimes he waves good bye to someone before they leave, or even half an hour after they have left. Since he’s learnt that waving goodbye means that people leave he’s also been getting quite upset about it. He now cries when people wave goodbye to him. Except if it’s me.

For a few weeks now if Tim has left Jaxon has cried. But on the rare occasion that I leave, nothing. He could care less that I am walking out the door. Until today. On his 18 month birthday he finally showed me that he does give a damn if I am leaving him behind. Tonight I had to go and do a quick shop for dinner and he melted to the floor like his world was coming to an end, just like he does when Tim leaves.

This, made me VERY happy. It’s about time Jaxon, good boy.

It’s no secret that a few weeks ago Jaxon started saying the word SHIT. Yes, shit as in POOP. He hasn’t really said it again since, so maybe it was just an accident that it came out that way at the exact moment he dropped something out of the bath?? Maybe he need’s more promting?

Anyway. Tim and I have been trying to teach him weird things. Thing’s that other parent’s would never dream of teaching their kids. Not because it’s rude, just because it’s…weird.

Giggidy (GIG-E-DEE) is from The Family Guy.

Bang a Gong, we are on, is from The Iron Chef.

Aight, as in “alright” home boy style.

We’ve felt a little like he would never ever say any of these. But sure enough, in the last few days Jaxon has started to repeat them. And it’s OH SO CUTE! Last night Tim was asking him to say giggidy and I was asking him to click his tongue…so he said giggidy and clicked his tongue right afterwards. My heart melted! My clever boy! I bet he is the ONLY 17 month old that know’s the word giggidy.

He also started saying Aight. Over and over. This one we should be able to get on video, because he’s becoming a bit of a mimic with the words he does know.

Obviously the “bang a gong” thing is a bit much to ask of a 17 month old (happy 17 months Jaxon) but we can still hope!