Jaxon’s belly button.
Every time I see it, I’m reminded that once upon a time, not too long ago, he and I were one.
Jaxon was inside of me.
And not making so much noise.
I love…
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Category Archives: Jaxon
Just as I thought…
When I returned home last night, despite the fact it was half an hour past his dinner time…Jaxon was in the perfect state of happiness. It seems that in writing down a list of things that I desperately wanted to happen I jinxed myself and not one of them occurred. No nasty poo, no out of control tantrums, no accidental spills or extra baths.
I was thinking that I would return home and find Jaxon standing at the kitchen gate, yelling out his usual “mam…mam mam mam” for food as Tim frantically tried to find something that he would actually eat, after refusing two other choices. But no, he walked casually up to me with a big smile on his face.
I was hoping to hear horror poo stories. Poo on the wall’s, all over Tim and Jaxon. Smothered on clothes. But no, Jaxon did a nice little neat poo…a one wipe poo.
The ultimate pleasure would have been finding Jaxon gripping the floor, screaming his head off and flailing his arms and legs about. Inconsolable, because Daddy told him he couldn’t shove the remote control up the cats bum, no matter how funny it would look to see him try. But no…all smiles. No horror stories.
Tim tells me that while they watched a Simpson’s episode, Jaxon said “dodecahedron” and “antidisestablishmentarianism” (I know, go figure?) and that he sat and read a chapter of Charlotte’s Web all by himself.
While Tim was at home thinking “gee this is easy” I was out thinking “gee, this hobby is fucking HARD”
The Secrets I keep…
When Jaxon was just a couple of weeks old we had a visit from my IL’s. They suggested and strongly urged me to find a hobby. Something to get me out of the house, something to do. They suggested many many different things for me to try, all of them very good idea’s. But I didn’t want to do it.
I didn’t want to leave Jaxon. I was scared that something would happen and I wouldn’t be there to do anything about it. I was scared he would cry and Tim wouldn’t be able to stop it. I was scared that he would do something new and I would miss it. What if he yawned and it was super duper cute and I missed it?
Recently I found something that I want to try. It starts tonight and I will be gone from the house for ONE and a HALF HOURS! Tim will be completely in control of looking after Jaxon. It will be the longest time I have ever been gone for. I wont be hiding in the bedroom where I am easily accessible when somethings not going right. I wont be back in 20 minutes from a short trip to the shop for dinner supplies. I will be completely, 100% gone.
So here’s a list of things that I secretly (don’t) want to happen…
- I don’t want Jaxon to refuse his bottle BUT cry if you take it away from him.
- I would hate for Jaxon to spill cold coffee down his front just after a bath
- I don’t want Jaxon’s bum to explode, and if this should happen I do hope his nappy is big enough to hold it all in
- I would hate it if while Tim was changing that poo, Jaxon reached down and smeared it all over himself.
- I think it would be terrible if while Tim tried to stop Jaxon from putting that poo covered hand in his mouth, he accidentally got poo all over his own hands.
- I would hate for Jaxon to refuse three different meal choices one after the other, and not be happy with any of them.
- I would hate it if Tim had to say the words “no” or “don’t touch” or “You can’t have that” or “not for babies” to Jaxon, and it would certainly break my heart if Jaxon were to melt to the floor in fits of screams and tears because his world was coming to an end.
I’m not trying to say that Tim doesn’t deal with those things on a regular basis, you all know Tim is the best husband and father ever. But I am comfortable enough to say that previously he has dealt with them all knowing that I am there to back him up. That if he can’t figure it out, I’m there to take over.
I’d also like to add that while I am gone I also wouldn’t want any of the following to happen…
- It would break my heart to have Jaxon say two words in a row. Or even one word, but a really clear word. I’d hate for him to say “homogenisation” or “excavation” so clearly that there is no doubt about what it was he said.
- I would hate to be gone while Jaxon perfected the art of spinning on the spot.
- I would not want to miss him mastering the use of a spoon, or drinking from a cup without spilling it.
- I would hate to miss a rare moment when Jaxon will sit still and almost cuddle for 2 whole minutes
Haaaaaa. Now that I have that off my chest I feel much better. I really do hope the night goes smoothly for all of us…because if it doesn’t then I might not get to go out again until Jaxon is twenty one!!
Big Day Out!
Grandpa Ted (my Dad) and Grandma Anne have come to visit us from Melbourne. They’re only here for a couple of days so we’re making the most of the time we have with them. Today Jaxon and I took them to Killarney, or Queen Mary Fall’s.
There are two huge water fall’s there. The one shown here is the smaller of the two. We didn’t go to the other because it’s a great big walk (5 kilometer’s) down a big hill and then a great big hike up huge rock steps carved in to the hill side. I went alone a few years ago and it’s a killer, carrying a baby is just not an option.
There is a great little cafe and caravan park at the fall’s. We had lunch there and then fed the birds. These birds watched everyone coming in and going out of the cafe through the windows. They knew the people who had and hadn’t bought bird seed to feed them and left anyone who had ignored the bird seed alone.
We happened to be the first to get the bird seed for the day and they swarmed at us the minute we walked out the door. They land all over you and are quite scary when they fly in to land on your head. Hence, we do not have photo’s of Jaxon with the birdies…because the birdies are scary!
My little Bunny Rabbit
Months and months ago Nanny bought Jaxon some clothes that didn’t fit him. This one still doesn’t really fit him but it’s getting close. He looked so cute as a bunny rabbit!
He even has a tail!I could be a couch potato
Jaxon’s not one of those babies whose up for sitting around and enjoying a quiet night on the couch. He’s not one for cuddling with us, even if he’s upset. He’s not even cuddly and cute when he’s tired. He’s on the move from the moment he wakes up to the minute he goes to sleep.
This morning after I gave him his bottle, when he sat peacefully in my arms, I enjoyed every single second of it. For two and a half minutes, he sat. He lay with his head on my shoulder. There was no struggle to get down, or kicks and screams that I was keeping him there.
It was HEAVEN on Earth and while I don’t expect it will happen very often, I could get used to it.
What a great deal… not!
A few weeks ago while Tim and I did our weekly shopping, we found a great special on Jaxon’s nappies. Two packs for $50. Normally a single pack would cost us $35 so it really WAS a great saving. We grabbed them up, happy that we had saved ourselves $20 bucks.
Last week though, before we even got to opening either of those packs, Jaxon grew out of his current sized nappies. It’s the first time he’s done that since he was 8 months old, so it’s not like we should have known better. It’s so long between size changes with Jaxon that we get complacent!
We’re getting by now by changing him more often during the day and using the next sized nappy overnight. So far so good. Being only a quarter of the way through the first pack, I wonder if we wont have over 150 nappies sitting here waiting for our next child. With no current plans to have another baby, that could be a LONG wait.
Hello? Grandma?
Thanks to a certain friend of ours, Jaxon is obsessed with mobile phones. She not only gives hers to him when he’s with her, but he gave him her old phone to play with. Of course that phone is not good enough, because it doesn’t have lights like hers does!
Our mobile phone serves as nothing more than an alarm clock. Generally speaking it sits on the bedside table on silent and never get’s used. I pick it up in the morning to turn it off. That’s it. If we go on a long drive we take it with us, as a just in case measure. But we don’t take it shopping and we don’t take it to friends houses. We never hear it ring and we never use it to make calls.
Tonight I needed it to get a phone number from it (hey it also serves us as a phone book!) I left it on the computer desk where the home phone is. A few minutes ago Jaxon walked past Tim with it. Open. When Tim finally got it out of his hands Jaxon was kicking and screaming at the injustice being served to him. Tim put the phone to his ear only to hear the end of a message bank message. My Mum’s.
Jaxon called my Mum. It’s the second time he’s called her, because she’s in my phone as my ICE (In Case of Emergency) and she’s the first number you get to. He sms’d a friend in South Africa once too. Clever boy!
I have the cutest kid ever!
I’ve just recently quit drinking coke. In it’s place I’ve been drinking nothing but water. When I was drinking coke Jaxon always wanted to have some. We thought it was the can (we didn’t give it to him) but maybe I was wrong. Now he wants water and I give him tiny sips in a little blue plastic cup.
Tonight I gave him his little sip as the last part of the bottle I was finishing off. He promptly walked it over to his little blue cup and poured it in to drink it. Of course, he completely missed the cup and poured the water all over the floor, but who cares…it was SO cute.
Now he’s walking around with his bottle and picking up random toys to take with him. That saying “pitta patta of little feet” has just come in to affect in our household. We finally have that sound of his little feet and little legs pounding around the home, and I LOVE it. I could sit and watch him walking all day and night. Most days I am forced to do that anyway, because now he knows how to walk that’s all he does. Around and around the couch, out here into the computer room and back again. Over and over again. Again I say, so cute!
Today at the EDC he got to play with rice and blocks and have a play in the sand pit outside. There is this one little boy, about 4 or 5 years old, who can not walk. He drags himself along on the ground on his tummy all the time. I’m not sure of the exact name of it, but he’s just always happy. He never gets upset. Anyway, because he’s bound to the ground, he has special toys that are at his level. One of them is this thing with a big green and red button on it. The green one light’s up and makes a honking noise and the red one vibrates when you push it. Today all of the kids surrounded this annoying little toy while Jaxon was playing with rice. He took a slight interest when he dictated to the other kids that they were making too much noise! His protest came with Hitler like hand motion’s and commands.
I’m just in ore now of the progress that Jaxon makes each day. It fascinates me the way they learn about the world by doing stupid things. As I said, I have the cutest kid ever!
His favorite game!
Jaxon’s favorite game is jumping off the couch on to the bean bag. He’s very clever though, he wont do it when the bean bag is not there. I think he only does it to show off too, because I’ve never caught him doing it unless someone is watching. I’m trying to get a video clip of this but it’s very difficult because our lounge room is dark day or night. One day I will though. Here are some photo’s to get you through.
Jaxon is wearing his ugg boots which I love and Daddy thinks are dorky. But Daddy wears chicken’s on his feet to keep them warm so I don’t think he can comment!
18 Month Stats
Since I started this blog when Jaxon was nearly a year old, I haven’t put up his other monthly stats. From now on I’ll be keeping you up to date with his major milestones, but for this post I’m including past number’s as well.
Birth
2.6 kilo (5 pound 12 ounces)
42.5cm’s
4 months 4.34 kilo
6 months 5.2 kilo’s
12 months 6.6 kilo’s
18 months
7.8 kilo’s (17 pound 3 ounces)
74.5cm’s
A good day!
Tim and I started trying to teach Jaxon to wave ta-ta months ago. Since he was really little. Finally he gets it and does it occasionally. Very cute. Sometimes he waves good bye to someone before they leave, or even half an hour after they have left. Since he’s learnt that waving goodbye means that people leave he’s also been getting quite upset about it. He now cries when people wave goodbye to him. Except if it’s me.
For a few weeks now if Tim has left Jaxon has cried. But on the rare occasion that I leave, nothing. He could care less that I am walking out the door. Until today. On his 18 month birthday he finally showed me that he does give a damn if I am leaving him behind. Tonight I had to go and do a quick shop for dinner and he melted to the floor like his world was coming to an end, just like he does when Tim leaves.
This, made me VERY happy. It’s about time Jaxon, good boy.
More Walking!
18 months
Superman gave the Duck the Bird!
For a VERY long time now “the Duck” or “Duckie” as he likes to be called, has been Jaxon’s all time favorite toy. He’s been sleeping with him since he was born. It used to sing “Singing in the Rain” when you squeezed his tummy (he died on the airplane back from Darwin) It’s been the one thing that could really comfort Jaxon when he needed it. If I ask Jaxon from anywhere in the house where his Duckie is, he scoots along to his room where he knows Duckie stays in his bed. Duckie has a tag on his bum, and Jaxon likes the tag. He rubs the tag, and therefor the ducks bum, on his cheek. Jaxon wont sleep without Duckie.
Well tonight, Duckie got shafted. We don’t know why. But he was. BIG TIME.
It’s been raining here on and off for a few days. This morning Tim told me he was out of undies to wear so I did all of our washing today. In fear of it raining overnight and Tim not having anything dry to wear to work I brought him in some clothes and hung them by the fire. In particular, a pair of undies.
Superman undies.
Jaxon spent the entire night crawling and sometimes walking around with Tim’s undies on his head. He chewed on them (remember, they’re clean), rubbed them against his cheek, threw them about and took them everywhere. He cracked the shits if we denied him his daddy’s pants.
When it came time for bed, when Jaxon was clearly tired, it was a bit of a shock that he just would not go down. He cried and cried. Not just the usual cry, but that desperate cry you hear in older kids when they’ve been told they can’t have that chocolate bar in the shopping center. “Ah-ha…huh huh huh AHHHHHH HA” You know the one.
I tried to give him a bottle, I changed his nappy, I did everything. When Tim suggested I give him the superman pants I thought he was joking. And I didn’t think it would work. But sure enough, I gave Jaxon Tim’s superman pants and off to sleep he went.
Rubbing Tim’s jocks on his cheek.
I’m not sure if I am going to allow this obsession to take hold. As it is I have to go out and get Tim another pair of undies off the line and it’s cold out. I think it would be much better if Jaxon stuck to the Duckie. After all, I can take the Duck anywhere with us! (photo of the more appropriate Duck obsession to come! You can see a bit of him in the bottom photo)
I used to think that rubbing the duck’s bum up against his cheek for comfort was going to be a fantastic story for Jaxon’s 21st. Now I know I was wrong, there is a MUCH BETTER story to be told!
New words!
19 Months
This morning I was changing Jaxon’s nappy and sneezed. It was a little shock to hear him say “ba choo”
I’ll add that to the list of words he has said, but never said again.
(Random photo)
New Words
It’s no secret that a few weeks ago Jaxon started saying the word SHIT. Yes, shit as in POOP. He hasn’t really said it again since, so maybe it was just an accident that it came out that way at the exact moment he dropped something out of the bath?? Maybe he need’s more promting?
Anyway. Tim and I have been trying to teach him weird things. Thing’s that other parent’s would never dream of teaching their kids. Not because it’s rude, just because it’s…weird.
Giggidy (GIG-E-DEE) is from The Family Guy.
Bang a Gong, we are on, is from The Iron Chef.
Aight, as in “alright” home boy style.
We’ve felt a little like he would never ever say any of these. But sure enough, in the last few days Jaxon has started to repeat them. And it’s OH SO CUTE! Last night Tim was asking him to say giggidy and I was asking him to click his tongue…so he said giggidy and clicked his tongue right afterwards. My heart melted! My clever boy! I bet he is the ONLY 17 month old that know’s the word giggidy.
He also started saying Aight. Over and over. This one we should be able to get on video, because he’s becoming a bit of a mimic with the words he does know.
Obviously the “bang a gong” thing is a bit much to ask of a 17 month old (happy 17 months Jaxon) but we can still hope!
WALKING!
17 Months
This happened tonight. Jaxon is also standing up without holding on to anything. It wont be long now, until Mum and Dad can’t keep up (oh boy!)
It’s started…already!!!!
17 Months
The back talking that is…check this out.
Not even 17 months old and he’s already rebelling!
VEGEMITE
The other day was a particularly hard day for Mummy. It didn’t matter what I gave Jaxon to eat, he wouldn’t eat it. I tried a jar of bought food…no go. I tried noodles…no go. I cooked up some vege’s and mashed them up for him…no go. And it wasn’t just that he wouldn’t eat what was given to him, it was that he was CRYING that he wasn’t getting fed, which frankly…pisses Mummy off.
So when Mummy cracked a wobbly at the starving crying pitiful little baby Daddy took over.
Vegemite sandwiches it was.
Mum intervened a little because Daddy doesn’t eat vegemite and doesn’t know the RULE’s of vegemite (note to Daddy….not THAT MUCH!) but it all turned out OK. Even the carpet like’s vegemite, it would seem.
CRAYONS!
The other day we bought Jaxon a pack of crayon’s. This was the result. While the paper says that it is Jaxon’s first crayon experience, it’s not. It’s just his first “at home” experience. He’s had plenty of play at the EDC (Early Development Center, where we do physio and hydro) and I’ve just never taken those sheets home with me.
We’ve set out a comprehensive lesson plan.
Today’s lesson is “crayon’s are not for eating”
Tomorrow’s is “we don’t eat crayon’s”
Next week’s is “don’t put the crayon in your mouth”
And next year’s lesson is likely to be “crayon’s, why we don’t eat them”
Just because…
TEETH!!!
Random Photo’s 2
We haven’t been around for a while. We’ve been busy, very busy. So here’s a few catch up photo’s…
Nanny sent Jaxon some new clothes. Not all of them fit but I am really happy that this one does. I LOVE cows…and Jaxon will too…
This next one was Jaxon playing with Daddy and the camera. Jaxon is putting the lens cap back on.
Just a nice photo of Dude. He was lounging by the fire on a very cold day.
And bath time…bubbles are yummy, so I’ve been told.
I’m yet to show you a clip of Jaxon squealing. I bet you’re all DYING to hear that!
Random Photo's
A face only a mother could love! (his friend Hailey) Making fishie faces is his latest “thing”
This is for MB. She sent ME some Sarris chocolate covered pretzel’s (YUM) and Jaxon was privileged enough to get one. Although I don’t have a full photo of it, he’s also wearing a pair of track suits sent over from South Africa (thanks Jeannette, they finally fit him!)
This is Dude, relaxing by the fire!
And this is now our fire place. We had to make (ok, Tim had to make) a grill to go around it to stop little finger’s from being burnt. Now all Jaxon can do is throw his toys at it.
This is eating Cheerio’s. Jaxon LOVE’s cheerio’s. He’s wearing a jumper that MB sent over with the chocolate pretzel’s. There is a matching hat but he wont leave it on!
And this is eating two minute chicken noodle’s for the first time. He LOVED them. It took him almost 45 minutes to eat the pile I gave him, and I’m not so sure he ate ALL of them anyway. Dude and Mexxi seem to like them too.
(what great value, he’s eating them long after he’s left the table!)
Random Photo’s
A face only a mother could love! (his friend Hailey) Making fishie faces is his latest “thing”
This is for MB. She sent ME some Sarris chocolate covered pretzel’s (YUM) and Jaxon was privileged enough to get one. Although I don’t have a full photo of it, he’s also wearing a pair of track suits sent over from South Africa (thanks Jeannette, they finally fit him!)
This is Dude, relaxing by the fire!
And this is now our fire place. We had to make (ok, Tim had to make) a grill to go around it to stop little finger’s from being burnt. Now all Jaxon can do is throw his toys at it.
This is eating Cheerio’s. Jaxon LOVE’s cheerio’s. He’s wearing a jumper that MB sent over with the chocolate pretzel’s. There is a matching hat but he wont leave it on!
And this is eating two minute chicken noodle’s for the first time. He LOVED them. It took him almost 45 minutes to eat the pile I gave him, and I’m not so sure he ate ALL of them anyway. Dude and Mexxi seem to like them too.
(what great value, he’s eating them long after he’s left the table!)
I REALLY didn’t hear him!
I know he told me to leave him out of my blog, but I couldn’t resist this! After this I think Tim might just move in to the basement so I can’t catch him doing house wifey things!
I REALLY didn't hear him!
I know he told me to leave him out of my blog, but I couldn’t resist this! After this I think Tim might just move in to the basement so I can’t catch him doing house wifey things!
The FLYING baby!!
Making Men Cry!
This first photo is just some background information….we stand up to the table, nothing to see here!
This second photo is before the tears in our household come along. It’s not so bad. Daddy can do this too…
But Daddy CAN NOT do this!!!
Jaxon is incredibly flexible. He can do the splits, as well as lay with his head and body flat on the ground while he’s in the split position. Another thing he does that makes men cry, is when he is sitting down with his leg’s spread like any normal kid, he then spreads them right out and crawls forward on his hands. He just brings his legs all the way around without ever even lifting off the ground.
I will try to get this on video, but as he gets older and has learnt to move around in other ways he does this less and less. But you can rest assured. he’ll be in gymnastics’s classes when he turns two!
Mummy hates my new trick!
Yes Jaxon, that’s right. Mummy does NOT like you climbing on the couch. Oh wait, I don’t mind the climbing bit. It’s the way you chose to get down that worries me. Your risk assessment is not quite to MY standards yet. The way you FLING yourself off is a concern. And the way you threaten to do it off the “tall” end, the end that doesn’t have a pillow or bean bag for you to land softly on…is my main concern.
Despite the fact that you giggle entertainingly (is that a word?) while you throw yourself off head first on to cushions, does not make this any easier to watch!
And now that Jaxon can get up on the couch, it has brought a whole new level of baby proofing to my life. Last night he got up and took mine and a friends glasses (drinking) off the coffee table and was clinky those together while giggling. He tipped the content’s of one of those all over himself.
He’s yanked the phone off the wall, the battery charger too.
These photo’s below show the item’s that he decided made perfect toys. That’s a bottle of perfume, the battery charger and a set of nail clipper’s. All have been safely sitting on that out of nowhere little ledge there for years now. But not any more. They have new homes.
Look how freaking proud he is of himself!
The perfume, charger right at the bottom, and nail clipper’s, which he was clinking on the bottle! Note the hole’s in his socks, they’re for us to see the circulation in his feet when he has his boot’s on.
What do you mean “yukky”? These are YUM!
This was later in the day.
I thought that if I put his boot’s on he wouldn’t be able to get up…
I was wrong.
"Just because" Photo’s
Look in to my eyes, you are getting sleeeeepy…you will give me ice creeeeam! 
Tim cooked me dinner. It LOOKED great, but we were both dissapointed!
Jaxon in da houzzze!
"Just because" Photo's
Look in to my eyes, you are getting sleeeeepy…you will give me ice creeeeam! Tim cooked me dinner. It LOOKED great, but we were both dissapointed!Jaxon in da houzzze!
My boy is going UP in the world!
14 Months
I was sitting here changing the layout of my blog. Jaxon HAD been playing right behind me.
He started yelling out at me. All I could hear was “MA!! Ma ma muuum” “Ya ya YA!!”
Finally it clicked that I should probably go and see what he is doing, since it’s normally something to do with Dude.
But I got out in to the lounge room and there he is, sitting on the COUCH! Like a big boy.
All the yelling I think was him calling out to me to say “Mum Mum Mum LOOOOOOOK what I can do”
This is how he did it. It also shows how he got down!
UPDATE: We JUSt learnt he can get up without the box!
Seriously Mum, your cooking sucks!
The many faces of Jaxon…
“Muuum, it’s 6am in the morning! Leave me alone!”
“You’re sh!tting me right?”AKA his Jack Nicholson look!
“Oh come on, pull the other one”
Again with the Jack look!
“Now listen here son, I don’t want to have to say this again…”I have a hilariously funny video clip to go with this but I need time to edit it! It’s coming, I promise!
Saint V Sinner
This is what Jaxon is going to look like when he want’s something as a teen.
It will be his “I didn’t do it” look and his “I love you” look.
It will be his “Dad, don’t be silly” look and his “Did I do good?” look.
THIS on the other hand…
…is what he’s going to look like when I tell him he’s got to be home by 8pm,
EVEN if his mates can go home whenever they like!
It will be the look he makes when his parent’s tell him that sex isn’t just something you read about it books. This is the face we will see when we say to him…WE HAVE SEX TOO!
This is the face we will see when we tell him, yes…we’re serious…you are GROUNDED young man!
Happy Easter Mum and Dad!
14 Months
So it’s Easter Monday…but that doesn’t matter.
Jaxon gave us a pretty impressive present! This is today, his first steps…even if they are assisted!
Jaxon’s room!
As promised, here are some photo’s of Jaxon’s new room. Tim and I fixed it up over the Christmas period.
This room started off being dull. We decided on bright.
Very bright!!!!!!!!!
We actually had our bedroom painted in these exact same colours when we first got together. When I met Tim he had the pink (gay I know, but you know…someone has to hold the closet door shut!) and I went and got the blue. To top it all off we had great big black cow spots on the roof!! (if you’re lucky I might find a photo of THAT room, it was ultra cool!)
I asked Mum (since she owns this house) if I could do that here too. I wont repeat what she said, but needless to say…the ceiling stays WHITE!
Tim made this plane book shelf. I’m very proud of this, the propellor actually spins and so do the wheel’s. It’s three-d! I have to take some credit for it too…I am sure I held my fare share of wood while he cut it up, and I put the final layer of paint (out of three) on it!
I’d forget my head if it wasn’t screwed on! On the top shelf of the plane, to the right (near the monitor) is a little Birthday teddy bear. Well, Mary Beth sent that over for Jaxon’s first birthday, along with some Chex Mix for Tim and chocolate covered pretzel’s for me! Thanks MB!
This is his nappy clown. Pretty scary if you ask me. This was one of my first baby purchases! I got it on ebay for $3.50!
This is his hot air balloon light shade. I also got this off the internet, it’s very cool!
This is new. I got it last week. It’s meant to be for toy’s but I keep Jaxon’s dirty clothes in it! I hope you can see it’s a frog, and not just some green blob thing that happen’s to look funky!
And this is Jaxon as I find him just after his nap. That puppy dog behind him is how I know he’s awake. It talks and sings so he wakes up and starts to play with it. I hear that, but not him! That duck, which is hard to see, sings “singing in the rain” and we play that to him before night time sleeps. And the Make a Wish lion/bear thing was the first little bear that his Nanny bought him when she first came to meet him when he was born. He loves his lion/bear!
Jaxon's room!
As promised, here are some photo’s of Jaxon’s new room. Tim and I fixed it up over the Christmas period.
This room started off being dull. We decided on bright.
Very bright!!!!!!!!!
We actually had our bedroom painted in these exact same colours when we first got together. When I met Tim he had the pink (gay I know, but you know…someone has to hold the closet door shut!) and I went and got the blue. To top it all off we had great big black cow spots on the roof!! (if you’re lucky I might find a photo of THAT room, it was ultra cool!)
I asked Mum (since she owns this house) if I could do that here too. I wont repeat what she said, but needless to say…the ceiling stays WHITE!
Tim made this plane book shelf. I’m very proud of this, the propellor actually spins and so do the wheel’s. It’s three-d! I have to take some credit for it too…I am sure I held my fare share of wood while he cut it up, and I put the final layer of paint (out of three) on it!
I’d forget my head if it wasn’t screwed on! On the top shelf of the plane, to the right (near the monitor) is a little Birthday teddy bear. Well, Mary Beth sent that over for Jaxon’s first birthday, along with some Chex Mix for Tim and chocolate covered pretzel’s for me! Thanks MB!
This is his nappy clown. Pretty scary if you ask me. This was one of my first baby purchases! I got it on ebay for $3.50!
This is his hot air balloon light shade. I also got this off the internet, it’s very cool!
This is new. I got it last week. It’s meant to be for toy’s but I keep Jaxon’s dirty clothes in it! I hope you can see it’s a frog, and not just some green blob thing that happen’s to look funky!
And this is Jaxon as I find him just after his nap. That puppy dog behind him is how I know he’s awake. It talks and sings so he wakes up and starts to play with it. I hear that, but not him! That duck, which is hard to see, sings “singing in the rain” and we play that to him before night time sleeps. And the Make a Wish lion/bear thing was the first little bear that his Nanny bought him when she first came to meet him when he was born. He loves his lion/bear!
THANKS MUM!!!
12 Months
That’s OK Jaxon! I mean I only spent the last TWO WEEKS planning this cake. Sweating over how to make it all come together perfectly…and YOU DON’T EVEN CARE!
That’s right people’s. I gave Jaxon his very first birthday cake. A very crappy looking cow as far as I am concerned (check out this link for what it SHOULD look like http://jas.familyfun.go.com/recipefinder/display?id=50115) and he didn’t even touch it! I even TRIED to slam his hands down in to it…but no. It’s messy Mum. No Mum, it feel’s funny on my hands. Next year, REALLY…NO CAKE FOR YOU!
“What the HELL is that!?! And more to the point, what do I do with IT?”
Break Down and Beyond
I found this, as a letter to some on line friends in some of my old word documents. I really think this will be good to have here. Some times, Jaxon is going to hear things I have said or things that I have felt in the past. And perhaps getting to read the actual story of what it felt like to go through all of this with him will help him see, it’s not his fault. Or mine.
So here’s my story, from me…not through SMS which can be a bit hard to get all detail into. This might get long, but you expect that from me.
When I first broke down, everyone kept telling me I should go to this place called Riverton. They said it would help me, that doctors and pediatricians would “sort out JJ’s problems.†I was under the impression that they would actually solve the problem, or try to anyway.
So we show up at Riverton. It’s a wonderful and beautiful place. It’s not a hospital, although there are nurses there 24 hours a day 7 days a week. Picture it more like a 3 star hotel. I had my own bedroom and bathroom, JJ had a room with a cot in it off mine. There are three lounge rooms, a huge kitchen for everyone and amazing court yards outside your room. They have play rooms for the kiddies as well as an outdoor play area with sand pit and swing’s etc. There are twenty other rooms, each the same as mine, each with a struggling family in it. You get assigned your own nurse each shift, 3 for each day. The facility is brand new although they had been in their old building for more than 25 years. It had only been open for two weeks when I got there and they had spent 10 million on it so you can imagine it had the best of everything.
When we first got there and filed through mountains of paper work, we got taken to our room. Our nurse came in and asked hundred’s of questions…including “what do you hope to get from your stay here?†We answered we needed help with feeding and sleep. And if the crying should happen to start up at any point, I’d need coping strategies to deal with it and not just have a nervous breakdown again.
We spoke about my stay in hospital, which also helped us to find the first problem. The nurses in hospital had nursed Jaxon to sleep for the entire stay. While he wasn’t sleeping before we went in there, he did start to for them. But really, only because when each nurse got tired they had 10 other nurses to hand him off to. But when I got home for that short time when Maddy died I couldn’t do it. He would ONLY sleep if he was being held and if I put him down he would wake within 5 minutes. So the nurse told us about “sleep associations†This means that JJ had come to associate being nursed with sleeping and that without being nursed, he wouldn’t KNOW how to sleep alone. So that was our first task. We had to break his old habit and form new sleep associations. It took about a day to change his associations. Now when he goes to sleep I take him to his cot, wrap him up, put his dummy in, stroke his forehead for a minute and then walk out and turn the lights off. For the first day he cried like you wouldn’t believe. But the nurse stayed with us and told us when to go in and when to leave him be and see what he was going to do. Sometimes he was just making fussy noises; if we left him he would fall asleep. Sometimes he would be wailing and she would make us go in, comfort him and leave when he settled. After that initial day, once Jaxon learnt what the “sleep routine†was…I would put him down awake and leave the room and he wouldn’t make a sound. He would just nod off to sleep…AND stay asleep until his next feed.
The next issue we found was that I was keeping him awake too long. I thought he was meant to feed and THEN have 1.5 hours or so to play and be merry. But in fact, they told me…he is meant to feed AND play all in about 1.5 hours. At about 1 hour I should start looking for his tired signs and put him down as soon as I see them. So we worked on that and since then Jaxon barely cries at all. Before we went there Jaxon wasn’t sleeping at all during the day and was crying most of the day until about 11pm. If I complained to Mum that I couldn’t get anything done or that *I* couldn’t sleep she would say “Some babies just don’t sleep. You’ll have to deal with it†but the nurses said that’s not true. You CAN expect babies to sleep, that’s when they do the most growing and they need it just as much as a good feed.
Then came sorting out his feeding. We were only meant to stay for one week. And by Wednesday all of our problems had been solved. Jaxon wasn’t crying, was happily going down for a 2.5 hour nap without complaining or needing to be held and I was starting to feel confident that going home was going to be ok. He had eaten like a champ on Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday. Come Thursday though he stopped eating. Well not stopped eating, but he would get to 50 mil (60 mil is 2 oz) and then he would start crying and kicking and screaming. I lost my confidence. I was SO SO MAD at him for being a little angel for those first few days and then becoming his normal difficult self just a day before I had to go home. I was angry that I had had three days to GET help with feeding but didn’t need it, and then when I was just a day from having to go home and wouldn’t have help he started up again. So I asked to stay another week. They saw my anger and frustration, and after having thoughts about drowning Jaxon they didn’t want to send me home feeling like that. Well, I am home now and I guess his “fussy†feeding hasn’t been helped. But they did give me some good tips on how to get him to take more (give him 45 minutes to eat, stop mid way to re-heat the bottle change his nappy and have a 5 minute break. If at the end of 45 minutes he has only had so much but not enough then I’ve tried my best and that’s all I can do) and how to remain calm while he is going off his head.
As for the constant crying we dealt with. Obviously unless they saw it they couldn’t give us answers. And Jaxon only cried that inconsolable cry for 6 hours once. So our theory is that he was getting to 75 mil in a feed and then starting to fuss the way he does now and we would say “he’s had enough†and stop feeding him. But he needed to be eating more (about 150 mil) so he was always hungry. Because he was always hungry he couldn’t sleep well. A big vicious cycle that we had started without knowing it. We do need to find out why he gets to that magical 75 mil and starts getting upset.
They held classes every day about feeding, settling and sleep patterns (a babies sleep cycle is only 20 minutes, and they haven’t learnt to “roll over and go back to sleep†like we have. So when they wake up 20-30 minutes after you’ve put them down leave them and let them learn how to put themselves back to sleep…unless they full out cry for you to help them) dealing with stress, supporting your partner, play groups, nutrition, baby massage, dealing with changes after a baby, relaxation and all sorts of other classes. Although Jaxon was always asleep for the set play group times, I got to go along and watch how other mother’s interacted with their babies (since I’m a bit of a dud when it comes to that!)
So Riverton turned out to be nothing like I was expecting. But I also left there with MUCH more than I expected to leave with. Jaxon has his feeds at 6am, 10am, 2pm, 6pm and 10pm. And he has a 2.5 hour nap between each feed and sleeps all night. I have so much time now it’s funny I sit here and wonder what to do next. Mostly I sleep, but housework gets a look in too! Feeding is really difficult and tiring, and Tim can’t do it because you need to stay calm and it is really frustrating when he wont eat. But we bargained that he does some housework while I do feeding so that when I am done with that I don’t have to worry about dishes or washing. I also got to meet other parents struggling. There were two lot’s of twins there the first week getting help to put them on different schedules so Mum’s didn’t have TWO crying babies at the same time. Other Mum’s who had always breast fed their babies to sleep and wanted to stop doing that but the child (two year olds some of them) wouldn’t “let†her. It was really funny once I’d spent the first week there to see the next lot of mother’s coming in all tired and weary and knowing that when they left their problems would be on the way to being solved.
I am so happy now that Jaxon is on a feeding and sleep schedule. He doesn’t cry anymore, and if he does it’s usually because he’s ready for a nap. Of course he’s still being a lil rat when it comes to feeding. We have an appointment with the paediatrician in three weeks. We have to get a referral to the physio to look at his right arm, and we’ll talk about other tests to find out what’s going on during feeds. Tomorrow we go to Brisbane to get his tenotomy done I think (I hope not, he’ll be in a cast for three weeks 
) Oh and Dad gets here tomorrow night too….oh what FUN :S
Cry baby
Once again, I found this going through my old word documents. This one, is just a few days before I admitted myself to hospital.
Jaxon’s crying has started up again. He hasn’t slept for more than half an hour today, I am so tired and sore from carrying him to shut him up. We went shopping and he fell asleep, thank goodness…but it all started up as soon as we got home. At one point I put him down and he started crying within 3 minutes and then he shut up. I was all happy and relieved it was finally over. Tim was watching TV so I stayed in here on the computer. When I went out into the lounge room I found out why Jaxon had stopped crying. Daddy was cuddling him on the couch!!!
I know some degree of crying is normal but this is out of control. Something other than reflux must be wrong. And it can’t be normal for a baby to only sleep for half an hour in a 24 hour period. He is wide awake and crying all the time.
And you know what? I am SO SICK of advice right now. I know people are just trying to help but we are honestly trying everything to make him feel better and nothing is working. So MY Mum and Tim’s Mum can STOP telling us that massage will help, or that bathing will help, his chair will help, going for a walk will help. He scream’s his lungs out while I try to massage him and he cried all through tonight’s bath. His chair hasn’t been used for days because he just wont tolerate it!! There is just no end. So they can stop telling me those things!
I feel like I might as well be raising my child on a deserted island for all the help we have.
Cry Cry Cryyyyyyyyy
Once again, found this as a letter to some girlfriends on an online forum about new born babies.
I know I complain about this a lot, but I don’t see many other people talking about it. I figure the only way you’re all going to tell me this is normal, that there is a light at the end of the tunnel and that things do ONE DAY get better, is if I say it myself. Or maybe that it’s happening to you too, and you’re having trouble dealing with it too.
Jaxon has been crying since 2pm. We’ve had about an hour of breaks…20 minutes here, 20 minutes there. It’s now nearly 11pm. We’ve taken him to the hospital to see the midwives and nothing is physically wrong with him. He’s just screaming his lungs out.
I’m not dealing with it, Tim is not dealing with it, and Jaxon is obviously not dealing with something either. I don’t know how much longer I can take this. I wonder how on earth people go on to have more children when the first months of their lives is hell. And I mean that, this feels like hell. My life has gone to sh!t.
Bad Mum
Random thoughts to some online friends about motherhood in the midst of Jaxon’s non stop crying.
Does anyone else feel like they’re doing something wrong with their LO, or that they’re somehow making things worse when their LO is crying? At least once a day he cries and cries and cries and I cry right along with him because I don’t know what I am doing wrong. I hate myself for being a bad Mum and think he must hate being my child because I can’t make what ever is wrong go away.
New Mum thoughts…
A diary entry from very early in Jaxon’s life…
All I ever wanted was to be a Mum. And I thought I would be a natural at it. But the truth is, it doesn’t all come naturally. Most of it, if not all of it..is a learning experience. And that’s what made becoming a Mum so hard. I had expectations about EVERYTHING, and when it all turned out differently…I got upset with myself. I got angry at myself and I got upset about it all.
I always imagined how wonderful it would be to have this little human being that looks up to and adores it’s mother. Reality hits when I gaze romantically into my babies eyes and he stares BLANKLY back at me, or past me…or through me. It’s like I am not there, and it’s not what I expected. It was a real downer for a while.
I expected that when my baby cried I would pick him up and THAT would be enough to make it all better. Nothing like a mother’s touch right? Wrong. Sometimes I can’t help him. I don’t know why he’s crying and I don’t know what else to try. And that is frustrating. It’s upsetting to know something is wrong, they need something…and because you’re so inexperienced at the mother thing…you haven’t figured out what it is yet!
And if you think the sleep deprivation of getting up to pee every half hour is bad, think again. You get to a point where you’re dizzy you’re SO tired. All you want to do is close your eyes and go to sleep. But this thing, wont stop making noise…noises which YOU have to stop. And at times you will resent them for making you stay awake for so long. Or waking you when you JUST got to sleep. But that too, get’s easier…I think I am getting used to the long strecthes, and taking advantage of the sleep I do get!
Being a new Mum is really hard. I can’t even begin to tell you how hard it is. I put a lot of pressure on myself to do it all perfectly, to get it all right the first time, and to know what to do in any given situation.
Before I had Jaxon I was confident I would be a natural. I was a confident person full stop. And then JJ comes along and he rips it all out of me. I felt like I lost my spirit, and it felt like I was on the verge of giving up on life all together. Instead of feeling like I could face anything he threw at me head on, I felt scared and angry that I was doing it wrong and being a bad mother. I never expected this little baby to make me feel so incompetent and inadequate. But it did and I hated that feeling.
I was being unfair on myself, and didn’t even know it. And that made things harder. So I ask you, to lower your expectations of yourself, give yourself a break and go with the flow.
Three weeks later I feel much more confident and I can say it does get better. Slowly you learn what to try, what to expect, and it get’s easier.
Jaxon's Birth Story
On the 23rd of January I was really uncomfortable. We went shopping and did some things down town, and I was always feeling crampy. It was bearable at that stage but not nice. My need to pee also increased as the day went on. I went from half hour pee stops, to about every 3-10 minutes!! THAT was annoying. Tim shaved my pubes off and I knew I was going in the next day and wanted to look somewhat nice for my photo’s so I asked Nicole to blow dry my hair straight for me. That was at about 10pm that night (I should have been sleeping!) So I was sitting there and the pain’s kept coming on stronger and stronger, to the point where I couldn’t sit for more than 2 or 3 minutes. It was just period like cramping but it was really intense. So after about 15 toilet breaks and lots of wriggling on the seat Nic finally finished my hair.
At that point I decided I HAD to go to bed, but the pain was so bad I thought I wouldn’t be able to sleep through it. I was beginning to wonder if this was not labor itself just 7 hours before my scheduled C-section. So I called the midwife at 11pm and asked if I could take pain killer’s to get to sleep, OR if I should just go in. She made me go in, and that certainly took our minds OFF the c-section for a while!
They hooked me up to the monitor and sure enough I was having contractions! OMG did that freak me out! I went from sitting on the bed to the toilet every couple of minutes. All I wanted to do was push but no poo was coming out…AND I gave myself a hemorrhoid! She left me there in pain for some time but then came back with some tablets to take, one of them being a temazepam (sleeping pill) and the other’s I don’t know. I stood up just after taking them; they were taking me to my room. I felt FINE for about two steps then said “I’m gonna chuck†AND DID! All over the floor. She said “I wonder if the tablet’s stayed down??†and I heaved even bigger the next time…NO they did not stay down! So I had to get taken to the room in a bloody wheel chair like a cripple and given the tablets again!
Whatever she gave me stopped the pain, and I had a nice hot shower. Tim had to leave at 2am. My first night EVER sleeping in a hospital, sleeping away from the love of my life. I was so worried he would sleep in and miss being back at the hospital by 6 am for the pre op stuff (since I am his alarm clock!) Or worse, sleep in for the actual op! At 5.50am I was down with the nurses asking if they would call him for me…but sure enough he walked out of the elevator cleanly shaven and smelling pretty for me!! YAY!
The BIG Event
So pre op started, they put the stockings on me, paper underwear and a surgical gown and cap. SEXY!! Tim asked the mid wife if she could leave us alone for ten minutes I looked so damned hot.
They wheeled me into pre theater at 6.30, and I had the IV put in. Not too bad, it just stung a bit. THEN I had to wait an hour for the doctor’s to show up!! That was the longest hour of our lives!!!
The doctor that did the IV also did the EPI, and might I say…if you’re having a c-section, or even just know you’ll have the epi and it’s scaring you…look away now, this isn’t pretty!! They had me sitting on the edge of the bed leaning over a pillow, and gave me the local anesthetic. Tim stood in front of me holding my hand. That didn’t hurt so much but when they started the epi, MAN did that hurt. It took a good 15-20 minutes and he had to try 4 different spots in my back before he finally got it to work. I was crying after the first attempt.
Tim was fantastic!!!! He held me close, and put his clean shaven soft cheek up to my cheek and whispered sweet nothings in my ear. Of course that didn’t help much, it still hurt like a b@stard and the tears kept coming. But I felt so close and loved by Tim. He told me that that was the hardest part for him too, knowing it HAD to be done and that he couldn’t just yell at the doctor to stop whatever he was doing and take me home. But he was so good, coz I didn’t know he was feeling that way. I can’t express enough how in love with Tim I felt through that experience. All I could think about was how soft his face was, and how nice he smelt and how wonderful it was to be loved by him. Through the pain, I still felt love, lots of it!
At one point the needle must have hit a nerve and my leg moved involuntarily and I screamed, I was in SO much pain it was awful. But soon after that happened it was all over and they asked Tim to help me lay down and get my legs up with the rest of the nursing staff. That’s where I started giggling. I couldn’t help them one little bit. My legs where dead but I could still feel them. It was like having pins and needles, or when your foot goes to sleep and all you can feel is the sensation of it being touched. I couldn’t stop laughing!!! Right up until I got the shiver’s!! Like when you’re really cold, my teeth were chattering and I couldn’t stop it and didn’t feel cold at all!
So they started. Tim sat by my head and held my free hand, making fun of me to take my mind off what was happening. Again, I couldn’t have gone through this without him by my side. I didn’t feel a single ounce of pain, but I could still feel that they were doing something. I don’t know any times of how long it took, but finally I heard a little cry (8.27am) and even though we knew we were having a boy, they said the words “congratulations, you have a baby boy†and very very quickly held him up high enough for me to see him over the curtain. All I saw was his big ball’s though! They were HUGE!!!!!
They did his obs on a table I could see, and I cried as they did it. I wanted him with me so bad but knew I had to wait. Tim and I sat there watching and I totally forgot that they now had to work on sewing me up. Tim kept whispering “Look what we made Mummy†and kissing my forehead. Again, another moment of pure love that made me cry even more! They put Jaxon on my chest for a couple minutes but he needed to be kept warm so they had to take him away. Tim went with them, I wanted him to.
Getting sewn up was the weirdest thing I will ever have to explain. I could feel them moving my skin, but it felt like it was up in the middle of my belly button. And as they were pulling the thread through I could feel the pulling on the skin, but it wasn’t painful. It was SO funny. I wasn’t laughing of course, but it was funny.
Tim came back in and sat with me for the last 10 or so minutes. At one point the doctor mumbled something and I didn’t hear it. Perhaps that’s what was meant to happen because I made the mistake of saying “I didn’t hear that†and so he stuck his head over the curtain and said “I’m just sticking some pain killer’s up your BUM†Gee thanks MISTER!! If ever there was a TMI that I really didn’t need to know, this was it!!!!
Once I was out in recovery they gave me my little boy. He is so precious. I was really not ready to be a Mum and wish I had some sort of time machine to bring back the pregnancy. Here is this little squirming thing that needs ME, that depends on ME…and I feel helpless!! The midwife put him on my boob for a drink and taught Tim the words “OoooM†and “Num Num†which he says now every time it’s time to go on the boob!! I swear we’ll be having sex for the first time and he’ll be saying them then too!
I kept saying to the midwife that JJ’s little feet were going blue, and they were. By the time she came to look he was going purple. He couldn’t keep himself warm which is when they put him under the heat (my profile pic was taken then, that’s obviously Tim’s hand!) They took him away for a bath, and 20 or so minutes later put me back in my room where Mum patiently waited for me.
The Stay
Because of the Gestational Diabetes’ and the fact that they said he was no further than 36 weeks when he was born, JJ couldn’t maintain his body heat and had to stay under the heat on my chest for a full day. I was boiling, but had to do it for him. The first midwife to give me a sponge bath was a MAN! He also happened to be the first one to help me with breast feeding. We didn’t think he was getting any milk so THE MAN midwife…HE milked my boobs! OUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCHHHHH!!!!! OMG I’d rather have my bum fu%ked by a horse!! Again, it needed to be done so JJ could eat. On the next shift JJ was in the nursery and the midwife came in and did the same thing because his blood sugar levels were crashing. At this point I gave permission to give him formula if that’s what they needed to do. They were not getting a lot out of my boobs to help in that department. By the way, it is TWO WEEKS past op and as far as I know, my milk still has not come in. I am never firm and never engorged like everyone says I should be!
From this point on his blood sugar levels were checked every 3 hours. Seven days of heal pricks…his little feet were black and blue. I can’t stress enough how critical it all felt from here on in. His blood sugar should have been above 2.6 but at times it was down to 1.4 and he was really crashing. These were very scary moments, and I was almost glad they had him in the nursery so I didn’t see their frantic moves to get him back to normal.
I hadn’t had morphine during the op so I got to have it for my first night in bed. It didn’t take away the pain but BOY, did it make me feel good! That first night trying to sleep was absolute hell. I couldn’t roll on to my sides; I never sleep flat on my back. I had the IV in AND the catheter in as well!! I kept telling everyone I should have had the catheter inserted at the beginning of the pregnancy! Twenty Four hours without a pee…absolute BLISS!!
The second day very early in the morning they took the IV and catheter out and forced me to get out of bed. OMG!!!! The horse WAS f^%king me six ways left of Sunday!!!!! I have never felt such intense pain as the pain of taking those steps towards the bathroom. The nurse helped me get undressed and popped me in the shower. Through the pain I was still p!ssed at her for having the shower on before I got out of bed…come on lady, water restrictions…global warming!
I got to have a 2 minute shower before I fainted, out like a light. And if there was any dignity left in my poor ol’ body it left the building when she said “Are you dry everywhere?†and I had to ask her to dry my a$$ crack AGAIN! So she dressed me and walked me out, Tim was waiting. I got to him and fainted again. I don’t remember much at all…the pain went away!
But once I was out of bed the pain slowly eased up. I sat in a chair instead of in bed, and I walked all the way to the nursery to see JJ…very VERY slowly! Now it only hurt to get in and out of bed, or to roll over. I still couldn’t lay on my sides in bed either.
They decided that they would try to bottle feed him formula. But one of the midwives said “Nipple Confusion! Nipple Confusion! (think “The sky is falling the sky is falling!), don’t do that…I KNOW, we’ll tube feed him†So they put a tube down his little nose right into his stomach. Then they decided that I would breast feed once (15 minutes each side), and tube feed him the next feed…yay holding a syringe above his little head as the formula went in…what fun bonding we had!
Breast feeding didn’t hurt me one little bit. It was totally frustrating though because he kept falling asleep on the boob. His blood sugar was so low he couldn’t stay awake and he NEVER ever woke up crying to say he was hungry. He just kept sleeping right on through the feeds. While we were there for 9 days, we heard him cry 3 times.
Towards the end of day two in hospital, baby blues kicked in. It was very frustrating to have a crying baby by the bed and not be able to get out and help him. This one time, I was really feeling inadequate because of this. I had to buzz the nurses who took their sweet time to get to me and JJ…to help me sort him out. At this point one of the nurses came in and sat with him and I lay in bed with the lights out crying. I couldn’t help it. I felt so helpless and here are these midwives and nurses who make it all seem so easy. Who make stopping a crying baby and calming them down seem so…natural! It was anything but easy or natural for me…when getting out of bed was something I had to learn to do all over again.
At about 10pm that night the night nurse started her shift. And here starts the longest night of my life!! Up until now, three shifts of midwives that I happened to like and trust had told me 15 minutes on each breast, and a top up with formula. This nurse, Liezel comes along and wakes me up and told me I am starving my baby and we are doing it all wrong. SHE is the expert, SHE has just finished her schooling and it is HER that should be listened to. After my night of crying, and being so tired and worried for Jaxon, I totally lost it at her crying. I kept saying “Why is it that ALL of the other nurses say one thing and you come here and say another?†and all sorts of things. I was SO confused. I couldn’t stop crying, and she kept putting him on the boob even though he was asleep and dropping off every 30 seconds. Even though we had established that he wasn’t getting anything from me. Through the tears I called Tim and told him if he didn’t come and deal with this b!tch…I was walking home! So he came in and the Nazi nurse kept us up until 5am trying to get us to see that SHE was right and that she was the breast feeding Goddess of the world. She kept trying to get us to watch a latching on video. Hello b!tch…he’s latching on just fine! He’s falling asleep…not latching wrong! I have MY technique down pat, he has his technique down pat…he just can’t stay awake!
Needless to say that nurse and I never got along. I will never forgive her for the hell she put us through every time she was on shift. JJ was on three hour feeds and she would FORCE us to breast feed him (even though he wasn’t getting ANYTHING from me since my milk wasn’t in) for 2.5 hours and then say “Right well you have half an hour to sleep, we need to feed in half an hour†LIKE HELL woman! Heck, I think I’ll write a complaint about her Nazi ways!
I was spoiled there because in a three bed bedroom I was all alone for 5 days. Tim could come and go as he pleased; visitor’s had the run of the room. I even walked around naked a bit! Seriously all of your dignity goes out the window when a male midwife gives you a sponge bath AND milk’s you like a cow IN FRONT of your husband and every member of staff…nurse, doctor or otherwise has seen your tits or worse, your twat!! Oh and let’s not forget the doctor shoving pain killer’s up you’re a$$!
So night five comes along and 2 other woman have their babies and join me. This was very stressful. And it was frustrating to watch them WALK to their beds just an hour after having their babies naturally. It was heart breaking to see them bonding with their babies, and changing their babies and feeding their babies the very next day and again I cried A LOT. For me I didn’t have a clue how to change a nappy because the nurses did it for me all the time. And when one of them finally said “I’ve left the nappy for you†I cried my eyes out because I had no clue! But I did make friends with both woman, and since we live in a small town our kids will grow up together. We took photo’s of all of them together…JJ (5 pound 15 ounces) looked tiny next to an 8 pounder and a 10 pounder! And one of them, Nicki is going to complain about Nazi Nurse as well…so that’s even better!!!!!
So tube feeding went on for another couple of nights. I was going stir crazy and got sent home between feeds during the day (the first time Maddy and Mexxi were SO happy to see me that I cried!) Then, a midwife that I had a really big fight with when I was working at the hospital came on shift and I was dreading my night even more than those with the Nazi nurse. But you know what…she was lovely. She said “It’s about time JJ came to the party and played ball†and she helped us to keep him awake. She forced him to breast feed every time he ate. And we weighed him before and after each feed to see how much he was getting from the boob. NOT MUCH at all!! He was meant to be getting 40 mil per feed but he was only getting 15 mil or so. So we HAD to formula feed to get him full and maintain his blood sugar.
The very last night we were there an OLD SCHOOL nurse came on. Tim thought we would hate her, but it was her that made us see that tube feeding was not the answer here. We told her how frustrated I was at being kept in there. That I felt like they would keep us in until JJ was toilet trained and that I just couldn’t bond with him if one) he had his face covered in this big ugly tape and tube, and two) I had to feed him by holding a syringe above his face, it wasn’t healthy for either of us…or Tim. So she taught us a few more keeping baby awake tricks, and said “Nipple confusion….pffffft what a loud of crap! Let’s just concentrate on getting him fed! Bottle feed him and you can go home!†But we did the weigh before and weigh after a breast feed, and with her keeping awake techniques and other things…he got his 40 mil quota!! Tim did the weigh and double checked, and checked again. I thought he was trying to figure it out…but he was double checking. I cried I was so happy!!!
So the next day, we told all of the nurses OUR plan. Screw what they had to say about tube feeding and blah blah, we ARE going home at 8pm tonight, we will express and feed if that’s what it takes. So we hired an electric pump and that’s what we’ve been doing ever since. It’s tiring but the good news is we had our first children’s health services visit last week and THEY figured out within two minutes of hearing our story and looking in JJ’s mouth that he is SEVERELY tongue tied! That’s why he’s not getting anything from me; he can’t bring his tongue up under the nipple to draw the milk down! I’m sort of p!ssed the midwives AND the doctor didn’t look at that. They seemed so content to just tube feed him for the rest of his life. Like how hard can it be to say “baby not feeding well…check list…is the baby tongue tied? Don’t blame the mother for doing it wrong or holding the baby wrong, or the baby for latching wrong…check for freaking tongue tie and fix the actual problem!!
SO that’s our VERY long story!! We came home and have played happy families ever since! Tomorrow (today) we fix the tongue tie, a very simple operation that will take less than two minutes. Then I should be able to take the machine back and breast feed like every other mother!
And before I go, a very special thank you to JeannetteKirk for her constant SMS/TEXT support through out my lonely nights! I cried every time Tim had to leave. We’ve never spent a single night apart and it was so hard watching him go. Without her support I would still be there battling now depression!
Jaxon’s Birth Story
On the 23rd of January I was really uncomfortable. We went shopping and did some things down town, and I was always feeling crampy. It was bearable at that stage but not nice. My need to pee also increased as the day went on. I went from half hour pee stops, to about every 3-10 minutes!! THAT was annoying. Tim shaved my pubes off and I knew I was going in the next day and wanted to look somewhat nice for my photo’s so I asked Nicole to blow dry my hair straight for me. That was at about 10pm that night (I should have been sleeping!) So I was sitting there and the pain’s kept coming on stronger and stronger, to the point where I couldn’t sit for more than 2 or 3 minutes. It was just period like cramping but it was really intense. So after about 15 toilet breaks and lots of wriggling on the seat Nic finally finished my hair.
At that point I decided I HAD to go to bed, but the pain was so bad I thought I wouldn’t be able to sleep through it. I was beginning to wonder if this was not labor itself just 7 hours before my scheduled C-section. So I called the midwife at 11pm and asked if I could take pain killer’s to get to sleep, OR if I should just go in. She made me go in, and that certainly took our minds OFF the c-section for a while!
They hooked me up to the monitor and sure enough I was having contractions! OMG did that freak me out! I went from sitting on the bed to the toilet every couple of minutes. All I wanted to do was push but no poo was coming out…AND I gave myself a hemorrhoid! She left me there in pain for some time but then came back with some tablets to take, one of them being a temazepam (sleeping pill) and the other’s I don’t know. I stood up just after taking them; they were taking me to my room. I felt FINE for about two steps then said “I’m gonna chuck†AND DID! All over the floor. She said “I wonder if the tablet’s stayed down??†and I heaved even bigger the next time…NO they did not stay down! So I had to get taken to the room in a bloody wheel chair like a cripple and given the tablets again!
Whatever she gave me stopped the pain, and I had a nice hot shower. Tim had to leave at 2am. My first night EVER sleeping in a hospital, sleeping away from the love of my life. I was so worried he would sleep in and miss being back at the hospital by 6 am for the pre op stuff (since I am his alarm clock!) Or worse, sleep in for the actual op! At 5.50am I was down with the nurses asking if they would call him for me…but sure enough he walked out of the elevator cleanly shaven and smelling pretty for me!! YAY!
The BIG Event
So pre op started, they put the stockings on me, paper underwear and a surgical gown and cap. SEXY!! Tim asked the mid wife if she could leave us alone for ten minutes I looked so damned hot.
They wheeled me into pre theater at 6.30, and I had the IV put in. Not too bad, it just stung a bit. THEN I had to wait an hour for the doctor’s to show up!! That was the longest hour of our lives!!!
The doctor that did the IV also did the EPI, and might I say…if you’re having a c-section, or even just know you’ll have the epi and it’s scaring you…look away now, this isn’t pretty!! They had me sitting on the edge of the bed leaning over a pillow, and gave me the local anesthetic. Tim stood in front of me holding my hand. That didn’t hurt so much but when they started the epi, MAN did that hurt. It took a good 15-20 minutes and he had to try 4 different spots in my back before he finally got it to work. I was crying after the first attempt.
Tim was fantastic!!!! He held me close, and put his clean shaven soft cheek up to my cheek and whispered sweet nothings in my ear. Of course that didn’t help much, it still hurt like a b@stard and the tears kept coming. But I felt so close and loved by Tim. He told me that that was the hardest part for him too, knowing it HAD to be done and that he couldn’t just yell at the doctor to stop whatever he was doing and take me home. But he was so good, coz I didn’t know he was feeling that way. I can’t express enough how in love with Tim I felt through that experience. All I could think about was how soft his face was, and how nice he smelt and how wonderful it was to be loved by him. Through the pain, I still felt love, lots of it!
At one point the needle must have hit a nerve and my leg moved involuntarily and I screamed, I was in SO much pain it was awful. But soon after that happened it was all over and they asked Tim to help me lay down and get my legs up with the rest of the nursing staff. That’s where I started giggling. I couldn’t help them one little bit. My legs where dead but I could still feel them. It was like having pins and needles, or when your foot goes to sleep and all you can feel is the sensation of it being touched. I couldn’t stop laughing!!! Right up until I got the shiver’s!! Like when you’re really cold, my teeth were chattering and I couldn’t stop it and didn’t feel cold at all!
So they started. Tim sat by my head and held my free hand, making fun of me to take my mind off what was happening. Again, I couldn’t have gone through this without him by my side. I didn’t feel a single ounce of pain, but I could still feel that they were doing something. I don’t know any times of how long it took, but finally I heard a little cry (8.27am) and even though we knew we were having a boy, they said the words “congratulations, you have a baby boy†and very very quickly held him up high enough for me to see him over the curtain. All I saw was his big ball’s though! They were HUGE!!!!!
They did his obs on a table I could see, and I cried as they did it. I wanted him with me so bad but knew I had to wait. Tim and I sat there watching and I totally forgot that they now had to work on sewing me up. Tim kept whispering “Look what we made Mummy†and kissing my forehead. Again, another moment of pure love that made me cry even more! They put Jaxon on my chest for a couple minutes but he needed to be kept warm so they had to take him away. Tim went with them, I wanted him to.
Getting sewn up was the weirdest thing I will ever have to explain. I could feel them moving my skin, but it felt like it was up in the middle of my belly button. And as they were pulling the thread through I could feel the pulling on the skin, but it wasn’t painful. It was SO funny. I wasn’t laughing of course, but it was funny.
Tim came back in and sat with me for the last 10 or so minutes. At one point the doctor mumbled something and I didn’t hear it. Perhaps that’s what was meant to happen because I made the mistake of saying “I didn’t hear that†and so he stuck his head over the curtain and said “I’m just sticking some pain killer’s up your BUM†Gee thanks MISTER!! If ever there was a TMI that I really didn’t need to know, this was it!!!!
Once I was out in recovery they gave me my little boy. He is so precious. I was really not ready to be a Mum and wish I had some sort of time machine to bring back the pregnancy. Here is this little squirming thing that needs ME, that depends on ME…and I feel helpless!! The midwife put him on my boob for a drink and taught Tim the words “OoooM†and “Num Num†which he says now every time it’s time to go on the boob!! I swear we’ll be having sex for the first time and he’ll be saying them then too!
I kept saying to the midwife that JJ’s little feet were going blue, and they were. By the time she came to look he was going purple. He couldn’t keep himself warm which is when they put him under the heat (my profile pic was taken then, that’s obviously Tim’s hand!) They took him away for a bath, and 20 or so minutes later put me back in my room where Mum patiently waited for me.
The Stay
Because of the Gestational Diabetes’ and the fact that they said he was no further than 36 weeks when he was born, JJ couldn’t maintain his body heat and had to stay under the heat on my chest for a full day. I was boiling, but had to do it for him. The first midwife to give me a sponge bath was a MAN! He also happened to be the first one to help me with breast feeding. We didn’t think he was getting any milk so THE MAN midwife…HE milked my boobs! OUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCHHHHH!!!!! OMG I’d rather have my bum fu%ked by a horse!! Again, it needed to be done so JJ could eat. On the next shift JJ was in the nursery and the midwife came in and did the same thing because his blood sugar levels were crashing. At this point I gave permission to give him formula if that’s what they needed to do. They were not getting a lot out of my boobs to help in that department. By the way, it is TWO WEEKS past op and as far as I know, my milk still has not come in. I am never firm and never engorged like everyone says I should be!
From this point on his blood sugar levels were checked every 3 hours. Seven days of heal pricks…his little feet were black and blue. I can’t stress enough how critical it all felt from here on in. His blood sugar should have been above 2.6 but at times it was down to 1.4 and he was really crashing. These were very scary moments, and I was almost glad they had him in the nursery so I didn’t see their frantic moves to get him back to normal.
I hadn’t had morphine during the op so I got to have it for my first night in bed. It didn’t take away the pain but BOY, did it make me feel good! That first night trying to sleep was absolute hell. I couldn’t roll on to my sides; I never sleep flat on my back. I had the IV in AND the catheter in as well!! I kept telling everyone I should have had the catheter inserted at the beginning of the pregnancy! Twenty Four hours without a pee…absolute BLISS!!
The second day very early in the morning they took the IV and catheter out and forced me to get out of bed. OMG!!!! The horse WAS f^%king me six ways left of Sunday!!!!! I have never felt such intense pain as the pain of taking those steps towards the bathroom. The nurse helped me get undressed and popped me in the shower. Through the pain I was still p!ssed at her for having the shower on before I got out of bed…come on lady, water restrictions…global warming!
I got to have a 2 minute shower before I fainted, out like a light. And if there was any dignity left in my poor ol’ body it left the building when she said “Are you dry everywhere?†and I had to ask her to dry my a$$ crack AGAIN! So she dressed me and walked me out, Tim was waiting. I got to him and fainted again. I don’t remember much at all…the pain went away!
But once I was out of bed the pain slowly eased up. I sat in a chair instead of in bed, and I walked all the way to the nursery to see JJ…very VERY slowly! Now it only hurt to get in and out of bed, or to roll over. I still couldn’t lay on my sides in bed either.
They decided that they would try to bottle feed him formula. But one of the midwives said “Nipple Confusion! Nipple Confusion! (think “The sky is falling the sky is falling!), don’t do that…I KNOW, we’ll tube feed him†So they put a tube down his little nose right into his stomach. Then they decided that I would breast feed once (15 minutes each side), and tube feed him the next feed…yay holding a syringe above his little head as the formula went in…what fun bonding we had!
Breast feeding didn’t hurt me one little bit. It was totally frustrating though because he kept falling asleep on the boob. His blood sugar was so low he couldn’t stay awake and he NEVER ever woke up crying to say he was hungry. He just kept sleeping right on through the feeds. While we were there for 9 days, we heard him cry 3 times.
Towards the end of day two in hospital, baby blues kicked in. It was very frustrating to have a crying baby by the bed and not be able to get out and help him. This one time, I was really feeling inadequate because of this. I had to buzz the nurses who took their sweet time to get to me and JJ…to help me sort him out. At this point one of the nurses came in and sat with him and I lay in bed with the lights out crying. I couldn’t help it. I felt so helpless and here are these midwives and nurses who make it all seem so easy. Who make stopping a crying baby and calming them down seem so…natural! It was anything but easy or natural for me…when getting out of bed was something I had to learn to do all over again.
At about 10pm that night the night nurse started her shift. And here starts the longest night of my life!! Up until now, three shifts of midwives that I happened to like and trust had told me 15 minutes on each breast, and a top up with formula. This nurse, Liezel comes along and wakes me up and told me I am starving my baby and we are doing it all wrong. SHE is the expert, SHE has just finished her schooling and it is HER that should be listened to. After my night of crying, and being so tired and worried for Jaxon, I totally lost it at her crying. I kept saying “Why is it that ALL of the other nurses say one thing and you come here and say another?†and all sorts of things. I was SO confused. I couldn’t stop crying, and she kept putting him on the boob even though he was asleep and dropping off every 30 seconds. Even though we had established that he wasn’t getting anything from me. Through the tears I called Tim and told him if he didn’t come and deal with this b!tch…I was walking home! So he came in and the Nazi nurse kept us up until 5am trying to get us to see that SHE was right and that she was the breast feeding Goddess of the world. She kept trying to get us to watch a latching on video. Hello b!tch…he’s latching on just fine! He’s falling asleep…not latching wrong! I have MY technique down pat, he has his technique down pat…he just can’t stay awake!
Needless to say that nurse and I never got along. I will never forgive her for the hell she put us through every time she was on shift. JJ was on three hour feeds and she would FORCE us to breast feed him (even though he wasn’t getting ANYTHING from me since my milk wasn’t in) for 2.5 hours and then say “Right well you have half an hour to sleep, we need to feed in half an hour†LIKE HELL woman! Heck, I think I’ll write a complaint about her Nazi ways!
I was spoiled there because in a three bed bedroom I was all alone for 5 days. Tim could come and go as he pleased; visitor’s had the run of the room. I even walked around naked a bit! Seriously all of your dignity goes out the window when a male midwife gives you a sponge bath AND milk’s you like a cow IN FRONT of your husband and every member of staff…nurse, doctor or otherwise has seen your tits or worse, your twat!! Oh and let’s not forget the doctor shoving pain killer’s up you’re a$$!
So night five comes along and 2 other woman have their babies and join me. This was very stressful. And it was frustrating to watch them WALK to their beds just an hour after having their babies naturally. It was heart breaking to see them bonding with their babies, and changing their babies and feeding their babies the very next day and again I cried A LOT. For me I didn’t have a clue how to change a nappy because the nurses did it for me all the time. And when one of them finally said “I’ve left the nappy for you†I cried my eyes out because I had no clue! But I did make friends with both woman, and since we live in a small town our kids will grow up together. We took photo’s of all of them together…JJ (5 pound 15 ounces) looked tiny next to an 8 pounder and a 10 pounder! And one of them, Nicki is going to complain about Nazi Nurse as well…so that’s even better!!!!!
So tube feeding went on for another couple of nights. I was going stir crazy and got sent home between feeds during the day (the first time Maddy and Mexxi were SO happy to see me that I cried!) Then, a midwife that I had a really big fight with when I was working at the hospital came on shift and I was dreading my night even more than those with the Nazi nurse. But you know what…she was lovely. She said “It’s about time JJ came to the party and played ball†and she helped us to keep him awake. She forced him to breast feed every time he ate. And we weighed him before and after each feed to see how much he was getting from the boob. NOT MUCH at all!! He was meant to be getting 40 mil per feed but he was only getting 15 mil or so. So we HAD to formula feed to get him full and maintain his blood sugar.
The very last night we were there an OLD SCHOOL nurse came on. Tim thought we would hate her, but it was her that made us see that tube feeding was not the answer here. We told her how frustrated I was at being kept in there. That I felt like they would keep us in until JJ was toilet trained and that I just couldn’t bond with him if one) he had his face covered in this big ugly tape and tube, and two) I had to feed him by holding a syringe above his face, it wasn’t healthy for either of us…or Tim. So she taught us a few more keeping baby awake tricks, and said “Nipple confusion….pffffft what a loud of crap! Let’s just concentrate on getting him fed! Bottle feed him and you can go home!†But we did the weigh before and weigh after a breast feed, and with her keeping awake techniques and other things…he got his 40 mil quota!! Tim did the weigh and double checked, and checked again. I thought he was trying to figure it out…but he was double checking. I cried I was so happy!!!
So the next day, we told all of the nurses OUR plan. Screw what they had to say about tube feeding and blah blah, we ARE going home at 8pm tonight, we will express and feed if that’s what it takes. So we hired an electric pump and that’s what we’ve been doing ever since. It’s tiring but the good news is we had our first children’s health services visit last week and THEY figured out within two minutes of hearing our story and looking in JJ’s mouth that he is SEVERELY tongue tied! That’s why he’s not getting anything from me; he can’t bring his tongue up under the nipple to draw the milk down! I’m sort of p!ssed the midwives AND the doctor didn’t look at that. They seemed so content to just tube feed him for the rest of his life. Like how hard can it be to say “baby not feeding well…check list…is the baby tongue tied? Don’t blame the mother for doing it wrong or holding the baby wrong, or the baby for latching wrong…check for freaking tongue tie and fix the actual problem!!
SO that’s our VERY long story!! We came home and have played happy families ever since! Tomorrow (today) we fix the tongue tie, a very simple operation that will take less than two minutes. Then I should be able to take the machine back and breast feed like every other mother!
And before I go, a very special thank you to JeannetteKirk for her constant SMS/TEXT support through out my lonely nights! I cried every time Tim had to leave. We’ve never spent a single night apart and it was so hard watching him go. Without her support I would still be there battling now depression!